Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Even though history has proven that the moment you get to know me, the possible feelings will go away, I have to discuss this. I know the risks. I know that the more you know me, the less you'll love me. That the second I let go of this denial, it will all fade away faster than I can see. I wrote about it once, and I have nothing to prove it's different.
But I want to record this, because for a brief second in my car the other day I smiled and laughed and reveled in the feeling that perhaps, just once, someone loved me.
I can't say for certain what it is that makes me think you like me. It's a feeling when I walk over to you, when I look at you. My heart has such a crazy response, how could it not be reflected in yours? It sure feels strong enough.
There are the obvious things, like when you called me baby or that you were the first to hug me. I know I grabbed your arm and initiated contact, but I still relive the moment where I was going to walk away and I saw you step forward and hesitate for a split second with your arms open. You wanted that hug. And I gave it. Before I knew how much you would make my heart skip, I gave it to you freely.
But there's something else. It's a feeling, a small little thing that speaks more to me. It's the way you always seem to break into a smile when you see me, that half-smirk that grows as soon as I enter a room and I know you glance at me. It's that time I walked outside and saw you sitting with all your friends at the table and as soon as we locked eyes you had that grin, and it was like there was a tunnel vision between us. It's this feeling that I can't let go that I make you happy.
And it is that feeling that makes me feel invincible at the same time as breaks me. Because I don't know if this is real or if it could be real, and I don't understand how I can be two seconds away from confronting it to find out and half a step from running in the other direction.