Fill-in-the-Blank Friday: Thanksgiving Edition

1. My Thanksgiving plans this year will include an incredibly large feast with my mom's immediate family at my aunt's house, my aunt's husband's family (which is always interesting since I went to high school with the sons and we did not run in the same crowd whatsoever), and a few of their neighbours.  30 of us total, I think?

2. My favorite Thanksgiving was all of them. I honestly don't remember too many distinctive ones...before I moved to the US, Thanksgiving was always a small occasion of just me, my brother and my parents.  It was lovely, but nothing entirely crazy.  Since moving to the US, it's always been a huge family gathering with the usual amounts of family insanity.

3. My signature Thanksgiving dish is pumpkin pie.  That's the only thing I am ever responsible for, and it is the only thing I want to be.  I love baking it.

4. My favorite Thanksgiving food is stuffing.  Always the stuffing.

5. Thanksgiving free association!   pilgrim hats, paper turkey cut-outs using a tracing of your hand, turkey, stuffing, yummy, pumpkin pie, holiday kick off, black friday shopping!

6. Thanksgiving is the official start of holiday music on the radio!

7. I am thankful for the abundance of love, respect and hope I am so blessed to have, from family, friends, coworkers, bloggy friends, even perfect strangers. I am thankful for the life I lead, for the life I have led, for the life I can and will lead.  I am thankful for the possibilities, for the certainties, for the uncertainties.

Happy Weekend, Everyone!

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The State of Ashley - Mid(ish)-November Report

Was I the only one who didn't realize Thanksgiving is next week?  Because holy shit when the hell did that happen and where the fuck did my time go?!

Now that's out of the way...

So, I'm alive.  Barely, and I think my stress levels will take care of the pathetic pieces that are left of me, but for what it's worth...at least enough to put up a blog post!  Work has gotten absolutely insane, and I basically work full time (on minimum wage!  Totally fair. Sarcasm).  I actually even worked overtime today.  I don't discuss work in depth on here, but I work in the financial industry (let's all laugh about that since I had to cry in my AP calculus class in high school to pass.  That's real, y'all) and a good 90% of our clients' fiscal year ends sometime this month.  Therefore, they're all scrambling and stressed and getting all holleration yelly screamy shouty, and it, in turn, makes my life murderous super fucking awesome.

In addition to that...a second job is on the horizon.  Sort of.  It's mine if I want it, but...I don't think I do.  I'm not sure.  It's all really up in the air and I can't make decisions, so we'll leave it that last week, I worked a grand total of 70 hours.  And I felt like I was dying.  I was literally falling asleep anywhere I was, no matter the time or place or if I was standing or sitting or leaning.

So, naturally, NaNoWriMo was a bust.  Or at least...so far.  I stubbornly steadfastly refuse to admit defeat, partially because I have busted out mass amounts of word counts in a week, and mostly because I still think I actually can complete it.  But I currently sit at 5,894 words--and those were all done the first 3 days of November.  I still may try for something during the holiday break, but...it may fall to the wayside.  Which is unfortunate, but necessary.

Despite the fact that I apparently don't know how close it is to the holidays, I am super duper excited for Christmas season!  I am that obnoxious person who has Christmas carols already, and why yes, I have in fact watched Elf already.  I have yet to buy my first Christmas gift (Target was sold out of what I was going to purchase :(), but I have thought about how I'm going to decorate my house.  And my room.  And my office.  And I'm trying to plan my office holiday party...I just can't help how much I love it!

One thing that's been happening is a loooot of baking (which those of you who follow me on Twitter have found out)!  I've gone kind of cookie crazy, for some reason. It started that I saw a recipe that I really wanted to try, and then I found out I am going to be baking a lot for the holidays, so I figured...why not start now?  I've had two go-rounds with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and one with mint chocolate chip cookies.  Both of which were mighty successful with my office men, which made me astonishingly happy.  It's just nice when someone tells you your baking is "delicious" and you notice that they come out to your office for cookies.  Makes me feel all warm 'n snuggly (is that sad?  Don't answer that...).

I wish I could have blogged more this month, but I feel like I'm slowly making my way into a routine.  I'm going to attempt the #reverb10 prompt-given reflection on 2010 that's happening in December...we'll see if I can find the time to commit to it, but it's nice to have something to look forward to that will make me be around here more.  Especially since I miss all you wonderful bloggy friends so!

I have work in the morning, so I am off to bed...but more importantly, how are you all doing?

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This post is a lot more sad and vaguely desperate than originally planned.

Someone asked me the other day why I was bothering to do NaNoWriMo this year.  She was saying that I was so obviously unprepared and busy and couldn't really squeeze it in, and all I was doing was hurting myself since I was giving up hours at work so I could work on my novel and it was added stress.

The short answer is that I'm obviously insane.

But the longer, more reasonable answer is the fact that...I need this.

I don't like to whine about my job, because I get that I'm incredibly lucky to have one and be wanted, but I have to face the facts: it makes me miserable.  It's not something I am interested in, I will not be staying there, and all it does is stress me out and give me no gratification in the end.  I feel like I'm wasting my own time, as well as theirs.  I feel constant guilt for taking the job of someone who could really like this and turn it into something.

Basically, I am miserable with my life right now.  I haven't blogged mostly because I haven't had the time, but also because...there are few things I find interesting these days to blog about.  The place I spend at least 30 hours a week at makes me so depressed and hopeless I don't have the energy or care to do much else the rest of my hours.  I feel so detached and far away from anything I love, from anything that makes me feel passionate and real.

Which is why I'm doing NaNo(WriMo).

Writing is the only constant in my life, and since I started working, I haven't done any of it. It feels as though doing NaNo is the last shred of hope for me, that it's the one single, solitary thread I have left that ties me to being Me.  Maybe I'm being dramatic and/or putting too much stock in a simple activity, but...this is how I feel.  I need this. For my sanity, for a small, glimmer of hope in my life.

So, sleepless nights, endless wordcounts, less money, pissing off work because I won't commit to full time yet...

It will be worth it.

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