This post is a lot more sad and vaguely desperate than originally planned.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Someone asked me the other day why I was bothering to do NaNoWriMo this year.  She was saying that I was so obviously unprepared and busy and couldn't really squeeze it in, and all I was doing was hurting myself since I was giving up hours at work so I could work on my novel and it was added stress.

The short answer is that I'm obviously insane.

But the longer, more reasonable answer is the fact that...I need this.

I don't like to whine about my job, because I get that I'm incredibly lucky to have one and be wanted, but I have to face the facts: it makes me miserable.  It's not something I am interested in, I will not be staying there, and all it does is stress me out and give me no gratification in the end.  I feel like I'm wasting my own time, as well as theirs.  I feel constant guilt for taking the job of someone who could really like this and turn it into something.

Basically, I am miserable with my life right now.  I haven't blogged mostly because I haven't had the time, but also because...there are few things I find interesting these days to blog about.  The place I spend at least 30 hours a week at makes me so depressed and hopeless I don't have the energy or care to do much else the rest of my hours.  I feel so detached and far away from anything I love, from anything that makes me feel passionate and real.

Which is why I'm doing NaNo(WriMo).

Writing is the only constant in my life, and since I started working, I haven't done any of it. It feels as though doing NaNo is the last shred of hope for me, that it's the one single, solitary thread I have left that ties me to being Me.  Maybe I'm being dramatic and/or putting too much stock in a simple activity, but...this is how I feel.  I need this. For my sanity, for a small, glimmer of hope in my life.

So, sleepless nights, endless wordcounts, less money, pissing off work because I won't commit to full time yet...

It will be worth it.

4 comments:

Vivian November 4, 2010 at 11:25 AM  

I hope this will encourage you even more:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/jacketcopy/2010/11/12-reasons-to-ignore-the-naysayers-do-nanowrimo.html

MJenks November 5, 2010 at 5:41 AM  

Maybe I should try this. Well, I mean, other than the fact that I really should make a big push toward finishing my novel and trying to get it in the hands of an agent so that they can pat me on the head, rubber stamp a rejection letter, and send me on down the road like the others have for my first novel. Whee!

Bitter? Jaded? Me? Never! Why do you ask?

MJenks November 5, 2010 at 5:42 AM  

I very much like the name of your blog. I came over here when Amber at Nostmic gave you an awesome award.

Not as awesome as my award, but it's still pretty effing sweet.

Stephany November 14, 2010 at 8:44 AM  

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. :( It's great to have a job, but not great if it makes you miserable. I hope you can find something more fulfilling very soon!

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I'm fairly obsessed with penguins, Peanuts (the comic), and the TV show Friends. Parentheses may or may not be (over)used in this blog, and books will pretty much be the only thing I ever talk about because they are my One True Love.

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