I feel like there's math in this post, but I promise it isn't.

You know what's really awkward?  When one of your friends starts dating the friend of your friend.

Like...I'm A, my friend is B, and I'm friends with C.  C has this friend D, who meets B when A and C hang out, and suddenly, B and D are dating.

Let's all make this complicated because A also likes C's other friend E, and now B is hanging out with C, D AND E, and A is left...out.

Yeah.

I've talked about how I'm the single one of most of my friends before.  Because it's just the way it is: I'm the single girl.  Single all my life, and everyone else around me seems to float in and out of relationships.  I am the constant. Everyone else is just a variable.  And I'm ok with this, I get that it's not really something I can control, it's how the world works and I trust that it'll work out in some way or another.  Maybe this is how it's meant to be.

But you know...sometimes it kind of sucks.

I'm about to get all whine-y, rage-y, bitch-y up in here, as a warning.

I am glad to be your friend.  I will always be your friend.  But it SUCKS when I am the back up plan.  I don't always like being there when your boyfriend/guy you're seeing has other plans.  I get you have to split your time, that yes, a boyfriend will take precedence the majority of the time -- but it's a big blow to my self-esteem when I am constantly the "Oh well I'm actually going to go out with my boyfriend...but if the plans change, you'll be next!"  The "oh hey, so my boyfriend suddenly has to work and I know you're free, let's hang!"  Because yes, not dating someone most definitely means that I am always open, always available, always hanging around waiting for your call so I can have a life.  Sarcasm.

I am always happy to listen to you and the details of your dates and how everything went.  I will always have an open ear.  But please notice the slight hurt in my eyes when you start telling me how wonderful he is, how amazing he is, how you can't believe that someone could live without this kind of love and affection in their life.  That it takes me just a half second longer to laugh with you when you tell me the sweet, funny thing he did for you; that my voice will falter when I tell you it's all wonderful.  I am happy for you, trust me - but it makes my own heart yearn, too.

I'm an open person.  I don't get embarrassed by much, and I will just as soon talk openly about periods and sex as I will about career and design and whatever-have-you.  But sometimes, it is NOT appropriate to tell me the gritty details of your sex life or constantly talk about how you get it on, when you do, where you did, how long you did, how hot and excited you guys were. It is not always appropriate to make things a sexual insinuation, and no, I don't feel it necessary to constantly turn everything into a sexualized object.  In a bar over cocktails discussing your latest guy?  Sure, tell me whatever you want.  Pointing at a bed in a furniture store and saying that it won't work because the headboard isn't something you can grab onto in ecstasy?  Not quite.

I'm a fairly confident person.  I am comfortable with who I am, what I can do, how I view myself right now.  I know my abilities and what I can offer.  But that doesn't mean all of that doesn't take a hit when people keep passing me up to be with you.  When it's pointed out that someone chose you over me. When it's obvious that I was second choice, that I am the wingman woman to your Target.  Say what you want to puff up your own ego, but know that it isn't appreciated when you tell me "Well yeah, he was talking to you, but I can feel that it was just so he could get to me."  EVEN if it's true...I hope you see the light in my eyes die just a little bit.

And can I just say that it's really depressing that a majority of my friends have met their significant others through me?  All my friends always love my other friends.  I'm a great matchmaker!  I'm just terrible at finding my own match.

And at the end of the day, you get to go home to someone who will hug you and kiss you and simply be happy to be with you.

And I?

I am the backup. The constant. The perimeter.  The single rider, there to fill in the space.