Return and Attachment

Thursday, November 5, 2009

So, I'm back in Irvine (for those who don't know, I did my undergrad here). And it feels weird.

I'm only here for the day; I drove back up to pick up my diploma (look ma, I did it!) and it coincides with one of my best friend's birthdays so I'm staying for dinner then driving back down to San Diego. I had lunch with one of my other best friends, stopped on campus for a bit, am now at Panera to work on my NaNoNovel, will take off around 5:30 or 6 to get a bit of shopping in (because how can I come back to Orange County and not buy anything?), then meet up for dinner with a whole mess of friends. I am excited.

I am also a bit sad. It was so strange being back on campus, and it only reinforces how I don't belong there anymore. I never considered graduation to be a "big" thing. I mean, duh, of course it's big, but it just felt like another milestone in my life that I was supposed to get. I didn't see how much of my life would change, and how much I would have to leave behind.

I will always have some sort of attachment to Irvine because of what it represents. Irvine was freedom. It was the first time I had ever gone out somewhere by myself. It's a bit strange, but for the first 18 years of my life I never went anywhere alone. Partially because my dad didn't let me, and mostly because I always had a friend who wanted to go. But when I got to Irvine, everyone had such different tastes and schedules that if I wanted something, I had to go on my time. And I started going places by myself. Start small: get coffee. Target. Go Bigger: The mall. Lunch. Eventually, I went everywhere by myself: parks, libraries, Disneyland. I even started going to Downtown Disney by myself to study (yeah, you just read that right).

Now, I hate going places with people. I shouldn't say hate, but I prefer to go most places by myself. I can do things on my own time without impeding on someone else or having to take other's time constraints into consideration. I don't need to worry about someone asking me if we can leave because she has somewhere to be or making fun of me for looking at the blue beret (true story, but it was just a joke!) or wanting to stop into a store with TVs so we can look at the soccer game.

Here in Irvine, it's come to mean that to me. It's independence, freedom, the option to go out by myself and do whatever I like without answering to anyone about my whereabouts. And when I'm at home, I don't feel that since for the 6 years I did live there, I never felt as though I could. Which makes me miss Irvine. I miss the familiarity and the life I had here.

At the same time, I hate this place. I was miserable for most of my college career. I was two steps away from transferring from here. I hate the society, the stupid Orange County Mom Bitches, the Trust Fund babies, how no one can use their damn blinker on a car, how stores close at 8. Every time I'm here, I can't help but think how much I hated my life for three years. I think about all the people who betrayed and/or disappointed me, who went out of their way to make my life worse, all the people who did nothing but hurt me. All I wanted to do when I was here was run, and that feeling always creeps back to me.

I don't really know where this is going. It makes me sad, happy, and emotional to be here. But for now, as I sit here at Panera and look across the street to Mimi's Cafe, all I think about is the dinner I had there with Ryan a few days before he left to study abroad for a year. The power went out at the restaurant for an hour, and they comped us half our meal. I remember loving being with my friend, I remember enjoying my time, I remember him tricking me into letting him pay for most of the meal. That night was at the height of my miserable time, and it still shines as a time I was happy.

Maybe there's a metaphor in there.

PS. I have just watched the guy in front of me look at the exact same sweatshirt for over 2 hours. He keeps flipping back and forth between two web pages to look at the sweatshirt, and all I want to do is yell "IT'S THE SAME DAMN SWEATSHIRT JUST BUY IT ALREADY ITS ON SALE FOR $25 MARKED OFF ITS REGULAR $40!"

0 comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

My photo
I'm fairly obsessed with penguins, Peanuts (the comic), and the TV show Friends. Parentheses may or may not be (over)used in this blog, and books will pretty much be the only thing I ever talk about because they are my One True Love.

Labels

#best09 #reverb10 12 Changes in 2012 2011 2012 20sb 30 Day Journal Challenge AAA absence album anecdote art article bad mood Balboa bathroom beach birthday blackout blog blog award blog birthday blog swap Blurb of Absurd body book books books; book review bored boys brother building fail California cards challenge change Chargers childhood China Glaze Christmas cigarettes clutter comic-con contest conversation excerpt cop out post Coronado creepy December Nights decoration Demi Lovato dilemma Disney Disneyland do you want to date me? documentaries Downtown Disney Dr. Horrible drag queens dream drunk earthquake Easter emotional Essie Fall family fashion Father's Day fear fiftypeopleonequestion fill in the blank friday Film first kiss food friends frustrated fun funny future future fail gifts girls Glee Golden Globes Google Google reader Google Wave greek guest blog Halloween happy health health insurance needs to rot in hell (but does it cover that?) help me hero hiatus hit and runs SUCK ASS holidays home hope hot humor hypothetical situations not at all based on reality or my life imaginary in memoriam inspiration introspective iPad Italians Jeopardy Jersey Shore John Mayer journalism judgment L'Oreal LA letters to myself library lies life life lessons Link Love Friday list love lust Mama Kat's Workshop Mash-Up Mayer Hawthorne mom money movies music nails NaNoWriMo nerd new year night out OPI opinion packaging party past peace Peanuts penguin personal photos pictures place poetry polish Portland Postsecret random relationships Restaurant Road to VDay room roommates from hell rush sad sdcc10 secret shame shopping sick sleep spoken word sports Starbucks strange Target tea Teaser Tuesday technology Ten on Tuesday thanksgiving this makes no sense this should probably embarrass me but it doesn't tips Top Ten Tuesday (Books) Toy Story 3 travel trips TV TV taping Twitter Utah Valentine's Day Vancouver 2010 weather weekend WHAT IS MY LIFE why does auto-correct suck so hard Wordless Wednesday work work sucks workshop writer's block writing YA you're not really a doctor anyway Zoya

i'm probably reading

Zoe's bookshelf: read

The Dragon's EyeAngelsThe Lightning ThiefThe Man of My DreamsCity of GlassCity of Ashes

More of Zoe's books »
Zoe's  book recommendations, reviews, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists

  © Blogger template On The Road by Ourblogtemplates.com 2009

Back to TOP