Return and Attachment

So, I'm back in Irvine (for those who don't know, I did my undergrad here). And it feels weird.

I'm only here for the day; I drove back up to pick up my diploma (look ma, I did it!) and it coincides with one of my best friend's birthdays so I'm staying for dinner then driving back down to San Diego. I had lunch with one of my other best friends, stopped on campus for a bit, am now at Panera to work on my NaNoNovel, will take off around 5:30 or 6 to get a bit of shopping in (because how can I come back to Orange County and not buy anything?), then meet up for dinner with a whole mess of friends. I am excited.

I am also a bit sad. It was so strange being back on campus, and it only reinforces how I don't belong there anymore. I never considered graduation to be a "big" thing. I mean, duh, of course it's big, but it just felt like another milestone in my life that I was supposed to get. I didn't see how much of my life would change, and how much I would have to leave behind.

I will always have some sort of attachment to Irvine because of what it represents. Irvine was freedom. It was the first time I had ever gone out somewhere by myself. It's a bit strange, but for the first 18 years of my life I never went anywhere alone. Partially because my dad didn't let me, and mostly because I always had a friend who wanted to go. But when I got to Irvine, everyone had such different tastes and schedules that if I wanted something, I had to go on my time. And I started going places by myself. Start small: get coffee. Target. Go Bigger: The mall. Lunch. Eventually, I went everywhere by myself: parks, libraries, Disneyland. I even started going to Downtown Disney by myself to study (yeah, you just read that right).

Now, I hate going places with people. I shouldn't say hate, but I prefer to go most places by myself. I can do things on my own time without impeding on someone else or having to take other's time constraints into consideration. I don't need to worry about someone asking me if we can leave because she has somewhere to be or making fun of me for looking at the blue beret (true story, but it was just a joke!) or wanting to stop into a store with TVs so we can look at the soccer game.

Here in Irvine, it's come to mean that to me. It's independence, freedom, the option to go out by myself and do whatever I like without answering to anyone about my whereabouts. And when I'm at home, I don't feel that since for the 6 years I did live there, I never felt as though I could. Which makes me miss Irvine. I miss the familiarity and the life I had here.

At the same time, I hate this place. I was miserable for most of my college career. I was two steps away from transferring from here. I hate the society, the stupid Orange County Mom Bitches, the Trust Fund babies, how no one can use their damn blinker on a car, how stores close at 8. Every time I'm here, I can't help but think how much I hated my life for three years. I think about all the people who betrayed and/or disappointed me, who went out of their way to make my life worse, all the people who did nothing but hurt me. All I wanted to do when I was here was run, and that feeling always creeps back to me.

I don't really know where this is going. It makes me sad, happy, and emotional to be here. But for now, as I sit here at Panera and look across the street to Mimi's Cafe, all I think about is the dinner I had there with Ryan a few days before he left to study abroad for a year. The power went out at the restaurant for an hour, and they comped us half our meal. I remember loving being with my friend, I remember enjoying my time, I remember him tricking me into letting him pay for most of the meal. That night was at the height of my miserable time, and it still shines as a time I was happy.

Maybe there's a metaphor in there.

PS. I have just watched the guy in front of me look at the exact same sweatshirt for over 2 hours. He keeps flipping back and forth between two web pages to look at the sweatshirt, and all I want to do is yell "IT'S THE SAME DAMN SWEATSHIRT JUST BUY IT ALREADY ITS ON SALE FOR $25 MARKED OFF ITS REGULAR $40!"