"I'm a lot better before you know me."

Sunday, December 6, 2009

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

Around the 3:35ish mark, there's a girl who takes a second, thinks, then says, "I'm a lot better before you know me."

Who knew your own personal thought would be broadcast world-wide on a video by someone across the country you've never met?

That is the exact thought I've had in my life since I was 12. I often think that's the reason I have "Friend ADD" (as my brother calls it); the longer you spend with me, the less I think you will have reason to stay. When people first hear about me or first meet me, I'm told I come across as a pretty decent person. I'm witty in an off-beat way, I find a lot of humor in a lot of things, I'm relatively sharp (pending topic of conversation), and I have a knack for keeping a conversation going if I really want.

But then. The longer you're with me, the more I have to expose. And then it becomes the battle of what do I expose to who? Do I tell you about my less-than-normal childhood? Do I tell you where I went to college? Do I tell you about how my major is not the major I wanted? Do I tell you how that major went on to save my life? Do I tell you I still feel guilty about how I treated a friend in 6th grade? Do I tell you that I have multiple best friends? Do I tell you that I have one real, true best friend but still call several others by the same title? Do I tell you which one of those last two statements is true? Do I tell you that every question I ask and ever question I offer an answer to never has my actual feelings in it?

And really, I don't feel as though I live up to my hype. I'm the writer girl, I'm the girl in the know, I'm the pop culture machine of trends, I'm the one who can always think of a comeback or mean remark. I'm snappy and snarky and sneaky.

But what if I can't? What if I'm not those people? It haunts me that I don't feel as though I am actually that person. I don't think it's bad if I am, I don't think it's bad if I'm not. But what is bad is that people expect me to be, and I don't think that I am. I fear that I won't make you laugh, you'll find me more annoying than witty, that you'll be disappointed by me.

The truth is, I think I'm a really boring person--and when I'm not boring, I'm really mean. I don't like to go out to bars and drink, I don't like to go shopping often, I don't like to grab dinner with a bunch of friends for no reason. In this entire last week, the only people I have made real contact with are my parents and the sales associates who I ask something for Christmas presents (I'm not counting the phone calls I made because those were out of guilt and feeling obligated since I'd put them off for 2 weeks for no reason). And the thing is...I don't mind any of it. I like sitting at home by myself. I like laying in bed for hours without talking to anyone. I don't mind that I haven't made a phone call to anyone in 7 days. There are times when i do feel like grabbing a bite to eat, or taking in a movie, or chatting on IM with someone, or going to a show...but it's rare. Most of the time, i feel as though I'm being a big bitch. I sound a lot more negative than I feel, I criticize without being asked, and I judge much more before I accept.

What I'm saying is...keep me at a distance, and you'll like me more.

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I'm fairly obsessed with penguins, Peanuts (the comic), and the TV show Friends. Parentheses may or may not be (over)used in this blog, and books will pretty much be the only thing I ever talk about because they are my One True Love.

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The Dragon's EyeAngelsThe Lightning ThiefThe Man of My DreamsCity of GlassCity of Ashes

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