"I'm a lot better before you know me."

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

Around the 3:35ish mark, there's a girl who takes a second, thinks, then says, "I'm a lot better before you know me."

Who knew your own personal thought would be broadcast world-wide on a video by someone across the country you've never met?

That is the exact thought I've had in my life since I was 12. I often think that's the reason I have "Friend ADD" (as my brother calls it); the longer you spend with me, the less I think you will have reason to stay. When people first hear about me or first meet me, I'm told I come across as a pretty decent person. I'm witty in an off-beat way, I find a lot of humor in a lot of things, I'm relatively sharp (pending topic of conversation), and I have a knack for keeping a conversation going if I really want.

But then. The longer you're with me, the more I have to expose. And then it becomes the battle of what do I expose to who? Do I tell you about my less-than-normal childhood? Do I tell you where I went to college? Do I tell you about how my major is not the major I wanted? Do I tell you how that major went on to save my life? Do I tell you I still feel guilty about how I treated a friend in 6th grade? Do I tell you that I have multiple best friends? Do I tell you that I have one real, true best friend but still call several others by the same title? Do I tell you which one of those last two statements is true? Do I tell you that every question I ask and ever question I offer an answer to never has my actual feelings in it?

And really, I don't feel as though I live up to my hype. I'm the writer girl, I'm the girl in the know, I'm the pop culture machine of trends, I'm the one who can always think of a comeback or mean remark. I'm snappy and snarky and sneaky.

But what if I can't? What if I'm not those people? It haunts me that I don't feel as though I am actually that person. I don't think it's bad if I am, I don't think it's bad if I'm not. But what is bad is that people expect me to be, and I don't think that I am. I fear that I won't make you laugh, you'll find me more annoying than witty, that you'll be disappointed by me.

The truth is, I think I'm a really boring person--and when I'm not boring, I'm really mean. I don't like to go out to bars and drink, I don't like to go shopping often, I don't like to grab dinner with a bunch of friends for no reason. In this entire last week, the only people I have made real contact with are my parents and the sales associates who I ask something for Christmas presents (I'm not counting the phone calls I made because those were out of guilt and feeling obligated since I'd put them off for 2 weeks for no reason). And the thing is...I don't mind any of it. I like sitting at home by myself. I like laying in bed for hours without talking to anyone. I don't mind that I haven't made a phone call to anyone in 7 days. There are times when i do feel like grabbing a bite to eat, or taking in a movie, or chatting on IM with someone, or going to a show...but it's rare. Most of the time, i feel as though I'm being a big bitch. I sound a lot more negative than I feel, I criticize without being asked, and I judge much more before I accept.

What I'm saying is...keep me at a distance, and you'll like me more.