YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Final count: 52,134

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Yaaay Turkey day! Can I just say how effing adorable the Google logo is for the day?! Anything with Peanuts will win my heart. Except actual food peanuts--then I'll just vomit.

Seeing as how I probably won't be able to post tomorrow or Friday due to the festivities of food and finding fabulous fashions (I was trying to stick with the "f" alliteration, but that was a big fat fail on trying to phrase "Black Friday"), I thought I'd do it now. Because I'm cliche like this, I'm going to do a list of things I am thankful for.

BUT. It will not include friends or family because you all know that's a given.

So, without further ado: What Ashley Is Thankful For Right At This Moment (including but not limited to)
- John Mayer's Battle Studies album, which is providing the soundtrack to this list.
- John Mayer's Continuum, because it's one of my favourite albums ever.
- John Mayer. I'll just stick with that.
- awkward conversations overheard at Coffee Bean
- the laptop I'm currently working on, because it allows me to blog, work on my NaNo, stay connected through the internet, and generally waste my time.
- my passion for writing. life isn't on the uphill right now, but the writing will always keep me steady.
- Neil Patrick Harris (because if John Mayer can be on this list, so can NPH)
- my car, which puts up with my breakneck speeds and terrible voice as I belt it out like Whitney (circa 1985-1992).
- lolcats
- my health. Even though i have an irritated stomach on Thanksgiving, cramps from hell, a bruised and possibly broken pinky finger, bad ankles, a weak knee, and stiff shoulders...I'm still here.
- Google and all programs therewithin, though most notably gmail, google voice, google wave, google reader, google books, and google documents.
- NaNoWriMo, for its discipline, opportunity, stress, self-doubt, torture, insanity, and conversation starting abilities.
- Peppermint mochas from Starbucks
- Hazelnut ice blendeds from Coffee Bean
- Panera, though mostly the one my brother works at because all the employees, managers, managers in training, trainers, and assistant managers love me and allow me to abuse my sisterly-privileges.
- JJB, my faithful messageboard. You have been with me longer than most of my friends. I'm going to pretend that is way less sad than it sounds.
- Automatic spellcheck on my computer, which alerts me with a red squiggly line and makes me appear much smarter than I really am.
- Glee. HELL YES.
- Snowball, my Christmas-themed teddy bear that I still sleep with.
- iTunes, because it saves how many times a song has been played and I get a weird sense of pride when I see I have played Josh Groban's "My Heart Was Home Again" 1,709 times.
- iTunes again, because it reminds me of my love for *NSYNC when I see I have played "God Must Have Spent" 2, 341 times. And this is only since getting a laptop--imagine how much it has been played before then!
- *NSYNC. I remain loyal and disillusioned, and I wear my Loser tag with pride.
- the movie Love, Actually because nothing can make me happier in an instant.
- I lied. I am thankful for Christmas music.
- Wait, I lied again. I am thankful for Ferrero Rocher candy. Heaven in a hazelnut chocolate ball.
- kleenex, because I just sneezed.
- Harry Potter
- Josh Groban (same reasoning as to NPH, John Mayer)
- My bed, which includes 3 heavy blankets and 4 pillows. Comfort.
- College-ruled paper
- Windows Media Player, for the days I'm irritated with iTunes not wanting to play my music until I update.
- Microsoft Word
- Penguins

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Mini NaNoWriMo update

7 days left, and I currently sit at 40,553 words. A little less than 10,000 to go!

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It's official

I have broken out the Christmas music.

I know, I know. It's not even Thanksgiving yet, it's still November, we've got 8 days. I am completely one of those annoying people who is blasting Christmas carols way too early and effectively ruins the holiday by starting too early and putting on the pressure and taking the fun out of it.

First, at least I waited until now. Most stores had their Christmas shit out before Halloween, and even I think that was WAY too early.

Second, this is definitely later than I have previous years. I chalk it up to bad experiences these last few holidays.

But also...I couldn't help it. My brother has Black Friday off for the first time since we've been old enough to go out and brave the insanity together, so we've been talking about which stores to go to and searching for the best places to go. Which, inevitably, leads to discussing Christmas presents since our goal of Black Friday is to purchase several, if not most, of the presents for our friends/family. I am cleaning/clearing/organizing my room and the rest of the house, and it happens that we are also rearranging for the holidays (setting up the tree, hanging lights/garland, decorations, etc.). My mom and I are starting to plan out the holiday meals and food for the various family get-togethers, parties, and friend gift-exchanges we have in December. And my bank account is definitely crying at the prospect of having to purchase so many things. Everything is kind of setting up and gearing up for the inevitable holiday hell.

Mostly, though...I've been really sad lately. As evident by the last entry, and more things going on. It's just kind of a weird time, and the only thing that usually cheers me up is Christmas music. Ever since I was little, I've been in love with the holidays. Of course it was because I got things and was allowed to be greedy, but it was because I loved the holidays around wherever I was at the time. In every country and city I lived in, Christmas was pretty much the "same": decorations, gifts, spirit, cold weather (of varying degrees), parties, family, stress. I love being cold, bundling up, drinking hot chocolates (or peppermint mochas, as Starbucks has continued its world domination). It was also the one time I was guaranteed to have my dad be home from work. Christmas music embodies all that I love about it, and has some awesome memories attached to it all. It just cheers me up like nothing else can.

So, yeah, I know, I'm early. I'm probably annoying to everyone else. Everyone around me will tire of Christmas much earlier than Christmas actually approaches.

And I will continue to play it.

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On a serious note...

I've worked hard to keep this blog "light."  I have several drafts of entries that were extremely serious or, at least, not light-hearted.  I mostly keep it to NaNo, hot men and lustful feelings, the general "this made me smile" kind of things.  There's been the occasional introspective post, but generally I leave it out of here.

I guess I'll break that now.

Here it is, 1:24am, I'm reclining in my bed reading the last dozen or so pages of "The Calligrapher" by Edward Docx (review coming soon!), hearing Glee music coming through my laptop, and for whatever reason I looked up in front of me.  I see my desk, which has a ton of papers and boxes and odds 'n ends on it (product of organizing the last of my moving boxes the last 3 days), and atop it are the books and journals I have deemed important enough to be set apart from my two bookshelves.  Including but not limited to: French Dictionary, Italian dictionary, Man Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl, The Outsiders by SE Hinton, A Little Prince/Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (both the english and french versions), the leather journal my father gave me as a going-to-college gift, and the book of poems my mother gave me as a going-to-college gift.

And it hits me: I am desperately, hopelessly, unequivocally, undeniably unhappy.

Not that I hadn't had an inkling of this feeling.  I've known for awhile that I'm searching for more, that I'm getting more and more agitated - but I never thought it would amount to something this powerful.

I can't even begin to describe how much I am resisting San Diego.  I love this city: downtown, the suburbs, all the winding and connecting freeways, the many malls of all sorts, the "ghetto" parts, the beaches, the cliffs, the people you find.  But I can't shake the feeling of resistance and, inevitably, resentment.  I've conquered this city.  I know it, i know the places within it (of course not all, but you get what I'm saying), I know what it's like to live here.  I know.

And now I can't stand to be here.  I'm trapped, in a weird way.  I feel as though there's nothing left here to challenge me or offer me.  I know I should probably just search a bit harder, but it will never leave me that I don't want to search here.  I want to search somewhere else, somewhere I've never been.  I need that feeling of brand new, of a place I have no idea of anything.  I need the exhilaration of walking into the street and having zero clue what is around me.  I want the anonymous feeling that comes with knowing eventually I will connect with something.

I miss it.  All I've ever known is being faced with places and people I've never seen before, and now that it has been taken away from me I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.  Right now, I am so unhappy with the idea that wherever I go, whatever I do...I already know what's there and who I will return to.

And I can't stand it.

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How To Sum Up Glee 1x10

Pretty sure this is exactly how I looked while watching Mr. Schuester sing the Don't Stand So Close To Me/Young Girl mash-up. I never had a crush on any teacher/professor, but fuck me...if Mr. Schue had been my teacher I'd probably pull a Susie Pepper, too.

And if Terri just all of a sudden disappeared...I wouldn't be sad.

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Paul and Conan improve life

I'm having a super shitty night thanks to some asshole ex-friends from my dorm/college years, and I'm pretty irritated and depressed. I mean, I'm listening to Rihanna's new album now, and even that shitty music is making me feel better. It's pretty bad.

And then I saw this:
And all is better.

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I didn't forget

Hello faithful readers (so like...3 of you. Hi!),

No, I did not forget about you. I did not forget to update, or let you glimpse my totally filled with fulfilling things life. I did not forget that I'm trying to keep up with this whole "blog" world.

I just chose to ignore you.

Really though, I've been working on my NaNoNovel, and since I've already discussed that in almost every single one of my posts, I figured I wouldn't keep writing about it (FYI: Day 15, 25883 words!). And since that's pretty much been all that's happening in my life, i had nothing to blog about.

There has been other things, but nothing worthy of the blogosphere. There was a mishap with cars at my house, so now we are down to two functioning cars: mine and my dad's. My dad's, however, is a stick shift, and therefore I cannot drive it. But everyone uses my car since it's the one that gets the best mileage in the house, and I am effectively stuck inside all the damn day. Now, to be real, it's not like I go out all the time anyway. I pretty much only venture out into sunlight four times a week, probably no more than four hours each time. But I liked having the option. And of course, now that the option is no longer there, all I want to do is go out ALL THE DAMN TIME. Which is a problem, because going out usually results in spending money. Of which does not exist in my bank account. I'm trapped, really. It's a tough life.

So have we all heard about Google Wave? If not, a simple Google search will result in pages and pages of results; some informative, some helpful, most whining that they want an invite. Well, having a twitter finally paid off, because I managed to score an invite through a random person (thanks @jpbagley!)and I am now one of the elite thousands who have a Google Wave. And seriously, it does look pretty cool. The interface is very signature Google, it's functional and helpful and looks pretty fuckin' awesome.

The problem though, is that because it's in limited preview/beta and the invites are so rare to come across, I have no one to use it with! Literally, none of my friends have a Google Wave account (if you're my friend and you do, what the hell man! Get at me!), so I have no one to "wave" with. I finally figured out how to link my Twitter account to it, and it was pretty awesome for the first five tweets that I had figured out how to do it (because 3 of those were about how I finally figured it out...), but...that's done. I really do have friends that I would love to use GWave with because they're abroad or live away from me and the whole drag+drop of pictures and adding files and brainstorming together thing would be useful. So c'mon, Google Wave, hook a girl up with some invites so I can get some friends on it and actually pimp out how awesome it is!

Oh, other thing sucking up time in my life: I got into playing that stupid Bejeweled game on facebook. I never knew how stressful it was to line up 3-5 shapes in under a minute.

See, you didn't miss anything in my life. Au revoir!

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behind behind behind

hoooooly crap i have fallen SO behind on my NaNo novel! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Write write write write write. Must must must must must.

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Return and Attachment

So, I'm back in Irvine (for those who don't know, I did my undergrad here). And it feels weird.

I'm only here for the day; I drove back up to pick up my diploma (look ma, I did it!) and it coincides with one of my best friend's birthdays so I'm staying for dinner then driving back down to San Diego. I had lunch with one of my other best friends, stopped on campus for a bit, am now at Panera to work on my NaNoNovel, will take off around 5:30 or 6 to get a bit of shopping in (because how can I come back to Orange County and not buy anything?), then meet up for dinner with a whole mess of friends. I am excited.

I am also a bit sad. It was so strange being back on campus, and it only reinforces how I don't belong there anymore. I never considered graduation to be a "big" thing. I mean, duh, of course it's big, but it just felt like another milestone in my life that I was supposed to get. I didn't see how much of my life would change, and how much I would have to leave behind.

I will always have some sort of attachment to Irvine because of what it represents. Irvine was freedom. It was the first time I had ever gone out somewhere by myself. It's a bit strange, but for the first 18 years of my life I never went anywhere alone. Partially because my dad didn't let me, and mostly because I always had a friend who wanted to go. But when I got to Irvine, everyone had such different tastes and schedules that if I wanted something, I had to go on my time. And I started going places by myself. Start small: get coffee. Target. Go Bigger: The mall. Lunch. Eventually, I went everywhere by myself: parks, libraries, Disneyland. I even started going to Downtown Disney by myself to study (yeah, you just read that right).

Now, I hate going places with people. I shouldn't say hate, but I prefer to go most places by myself. I can do things on my own time without impeding on someone else or having to take other's time constraints into consideration. I don't need to worry about someone asking me if we can leave because she has somewhere to be or making fun of me for looking at the blue beret (true story, but it was just a joke!) or wanting to stop into a store with TVs so we can look at the soccer game.

Here in Irvine, it's come to mean that to me. It's independence, freedom, the option to go out by myself and do whatever I like without answering to anyone about my whereabouts. And when I'm at home, I don't feel that since for the 6 years I did live there, I never felt as though I could. Which makes me miss Irvine. I miss the familiarity and the life I had here.

At the same time, I hate this place. I was miserable for most of my college career. I was two steps away from transferring from here. I hate the society, the stupid Orange County Mom Bitches, the Trust Fund babies, how no one can use their damn blinker on a car, how stores close at 8. Every time I'm here, I can't help but think how much I hated my life for three years. I think about all the people who betrayed and/or disappointed me, who went out of their way to make my life worse, all the people who did nothing but hurt me. All I wanted to do when I was here was run, and that feeling always creeps back to me.

I don't really know where this is going. It makes me sad, happy, and emotional to be here. But for now, as I sit here at Panera and look across the street to Mimi's Cafe, all I think about is the dinner I had there with Ryan a few days before he left to study abroad for a year. The power went out at the restaurant for an hour, and they comped us half our meal. I remember loving being with my friend, I remember enjoying my time, I remember him tricking me into letting him pay for most of the meal. That night was at the height of my miserable time, and it still shines as a time I was happy.

Maybe there's a metaphor in there.

PS. I have just watched the guy in front of me look at the exact same sweatshirt for over 2 hours. He keeps flipping back and forth between two web pages to look at the sweatshirt, and all I want to do is yell "IT'S THE SAME DAMN SWEATSHIRT JUST BUY IT ALREADY ITS ON SALE FOR $25 MARKED OFF ITS REGULAR $40!"

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I'm going to defy my blog title

Because in less than a hot minute I'd start a love story with any of the three following men.

Brought to you by my awesome file of Hot Men on my hard drive.
Inspired by the forum post made by my friend Dylan. Thank you Dyl, for inspiring Lust Post 1.


Henry Cavill


Rodrigo Santoro


Gaspard Ulliel

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The Music Conundrum

The Number of...
Gigs of Music on my computer: 56.11
Songs I have on my computer: ~13173
Gigs I have loaded into my iTunes: 41.38
Songs I have loaded into my iTunes: 9334
Days of Music I have loaded into my iTunes: 24.3
Songs I have on my iPod: 1281
Gigs of Media I have on my iPod: 11
CDs in my room: ~367
CDs in my house (minus my room): ~148

The Number of Songs I Can Find Right Now For My Mood: 0

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Late Night TV

So most people would think I'm talking of Craig Ferguson (top notch man, by the way - been to a taping of his, and he's even funnier in regular conversation), Jimmy Fallon, perhaps even Carson Daly (woah, TRL flashbacks, right?). But I am not.

I speak of the Graham Norton Show, thankfully viewed in my house due to the amazing BBC America channel. Which I also praise Higher Beings for because it brought Skins into my life. But I digress.

I'd never really watched his show before - passed it a few times, but proceeded to pass it up. I don't know much about him or his show or...whatever...but I quite enjoyed this one. I missed a good 20 minutes or so (how he managed to shove 3 people into the first 20 minutes I do not know), but it was actually quite fun and funny. It was a nice surprise to see Michael Buble on the show; and even though I have heard he is quite douchey, he was quite pleasant and terribly funny. And being douchey doesn't mean I love your music less (see: John Mayer): his performance was good and oh my I will love his voice forever. It's so effortless! I am going to attempt to embed the video at the end of this blog, if you desire to see it.

Anyway. So I quite enjoyed that 40 minute segment of British television in my life. British accents strike such a deep chord with me, it's kind of weird. Something about British accents just feels like home to me. It's familiar, and beautiful, and just...relaxing. I know the people who know me are thinking, Well duh you began your life in Britain, of course it's home to you. But the thing is, I moved away when I was 2, and it's not like my parents were British or I spent too much time with tons of British people. I get that the first two years of your life are important to your development, but it's just strange that it made such a big impact. Whatever the reason, I love hearing it.

ALSO, I do highly recommend Michael Buble's new album Crazy Love. If you dig some Norah Jones, Josh Groban, artists with actual talent...it's good.

And before I make the attempt of a video embed, my usual PS. at the end of a post: Good job Food Network, already getting on the Thanksgiving Train by airing the Iron Chef America Battle Turkey!

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Happy End-of-October/November!

Hola muchachalatas (taken blatantly from an iCarly episode that I love).

Happy end of the month that passed fast but dragged forever! Did it not seem that it took forever for Halloween to get here? But at the same time, I can't believe it's November already. What happened to my big planning month for NaNoWriMo?!

As seen by my blogging at 12:13am November 1, I did not go out on the town and get ridiculously drunk while dressing slutty. That was yesterday.

No, kidding. Ish. Yesterday was one of my best friend's birthdays, so I went to Downtown to celebrate with her and a few friends. It was a pretty good time, all things considered. I quite enjoyed all the costumes I saw, and I was quite disgusted with about the same amount. Good: Twister Man, Jack from Jack in the Box, Penguin Man gettin' jiggy wit' it on the dance floor, Austin Powers. Bad: Preacher grindin' on my friend (complete with a cross around his neck...sacrilegious, amirite?), girls who weren't actually wearing clothes just body paint, Dick In A Box (you would think I would like that since it has to do with Justin Timberlake, but not when the Box is see through. And he's not hot.), Police Officer. I didn't even think about costumes, so I was just in a dress and boots. Luckily, I don't drink much, else I might have been a little worse for wear.

That said, I'm not feelin' too well now. I think it's been all the weather changes, plus last night I was going from heat lamps to cold winds in seconds. I also slept a ridiculous amount last night, which always gives me a headache. Just...bleh. Not a good feeling.

But on the upside! It is officially November, which means while I am typing this, I could be typing my NaNoWriMo novel! I know I keep mentioning it, but it's kind of all-consuming in my life right now. I mean, it's a pretty big challenge, plus it's something that I've always wanted to do (write a novel, not attempt an insane challenge). We'll see if I'll fizzle out like so many people do.

Other exciting things:
-Joseph Gordon Levitt hosting SNL on November 21! And if that's not enough to make you excited, you should watch his video where he announces it, because it's so fucking adorable I want to hug him. Among other things.
-WORDsd posted up my NaNoWriMo article. I'm not entirely happy with the headline (though I guess it's semi-pilfered from the subheadline of this blog), but it's still pretty awesome to see I have something that I did online. Oddly, this is the first thing online that has my actual name and picture attached to it - most of my Internet Real Estate is done under my pen name.
-Holiday commercials arise! I do agree it's early, but I can't deny the warm-fuzzies I feel when I see a glittering Christmas tree in the corner. Even if it is for a stupid Glade candle.

PS. No, this blog did not take me an hour and a half to write, I was incredibly distracted watching YouTube videos online.

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