This post is completely hypothetical. Except for the parts that are not.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

You know what's really inconvenient?


Especially when they're superficial and dumb and they don't mean anything and they won't amount to anything (and you don't even want it to).

They're just incredibly distracting and time consuming and stupid.  Because I mean, let's say the crush is some dude from, oh I don't know, hypothetically let's say work and all of a sudden you're like "Oh crap, I have to care what the fuck I wear to the office because he might be in today" or you think "hmmm wonder if he'll be in today!" or "work blows and I want to kill myself but maaaaaaaaaaaybe he'll be in and I can ogle his attractive self and it will almost sort of be worth a second of it."


It's super frustrating knowing your crush is most likely due to circumstance and not real factors, that your attraction is mostly based on the what you think about him and not what you know, that you don't actually want to have anything with this dude but still get little flutteries in your stomach when he walks up to your desk and smiles and asks how your day is going.

I mean, if this were something other than hypothetical, of course.  Of course.

You do some good work convincing yourself that it's nothing, that you just like him as a person so it's cool when he's around and he's really no different from any of your other co-workers--and then it's all blown to shit when he comes striding into the office in that confident way with his freakin' adorable green hoodie and he gives you that little smile and asks "how are you?" with just the right amount of caring and actually listens to your answer, and then later in the day he'll stand with you at your computer and try to help you find some information you need and make you laugh and come hang out and stand talking with you when he's waiting for his slow ass computer to boot up.

I mean...hypothetically or whatever.

You continue to do good work since he's one of the traveling coworkers who is only in the office maybe 3 times a week, so when you don't see him for a string of 5 days and you don't even realize it's been that long until a client calls and asks for him and you hear his name and think, "Oh yeah, he's not in the office at the moment, may I take a message?" you're convinced that you've finally gotten over this pointless, foundation-less schoolgirl crush...

...until he calls the office and you answer with your usual, "Thank you for calling [company name], this is Ashley," and he's like, "Hiiiii Ashley, it's [insert name of dude who I would have a stupid, stupid crush on if this weren't hypothetical and completely and totally made up], how are you today?" and suddenly those goddamn flutteries in your stomach wake up and you smile even though he hasn't said anything of worth and even though all you two do is talk about business and work-related crap you're still like weeeeeeeeeee I just talked to him!

Say it with me: hy-po-the-ti-CAL.

This is also incredibly inconvenient, because maybe one day he is in the office and the other four guys who are normally in with you both are gone on various meetings/lunches/appointments, so it's just you two and even though you're in separate parts of the office building he'll IM you through the office IM system and what starts as completely work-related discussion turns into witty banter and thinly-veiled maybe-flirting.  And then you realize what the fuck you're doing at work, with a co-worker, who you don't even know how old he is or where he's from or who he is really and you're like shit what has my life come to.

Dumb. Completely, totally dumb.  He's not even that attractive (because that's totally a deal breaker, y'all), and usually I question if he even likes me as a person at all.  Normally I get the feeling that I'm just another part to the day, a section of scenery that he sees but never processes, another face in an endless visual rolodex (can that expression even be used today?  Readers who are younger than 20, do you even get that?!).  I just feel like he sees me as that young, vaguely clueless girl who shares a building with him.

And then I start to wonder if I even like him as a person, because the few things I do know about him aren't exactly winning points with me.  We clash on a lot of beliefs, he runs marathons and freely says the words "calories" and "buff" and "burn", and eats chickpeas, and wears a puke green colored hoodie.

But then I remember that he is really nice.  And funny.  And smells fucking incredible.  And is helpful.  And he is really cute, in that sneak-up-on-you way.  And can dress up reaaaaaaaaaaaal well.  And invited me to his birthday celebration, even if I felt that was more a courtesy than a real invitation.  And was nice and offered to take a mushroom off a slice of pizza that was getting near me since he knows how freaked out I get by them.  And doesn't get all weird when I start talking football with them.

You know, this would all be a lot easier if I could just have a stupid, superficial, childish, foundation-less, pointless crush on the hottest guy in the office, because I know that even though he is smokin' hot and I'd probably let him do bad things to me because he is just that attractive, I still see that there is no real attraction to him and I'm mostly put off by the fact he sounds like the football player Kevin in Daria (no, really...).

Dumb.  So dumb. So, so dumb.

I mean...hypothetically dumb.  You know.


Emily October 20, 2010 at 12:59 AM  

Oh god he sounds like Kevin? I think you should try and date him just for kicks, then record his voice and put it on here.

I'm Sarah October 20, 2010 at 11:06 AM  

I enjoyed reading this. Also, I must say, I WISH I could have a crush on someone (else). Anyone (else). Shoot. Embrace it, young muffin. Embrace it.

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