It's Friday Blanking Time!

Link up here!

1.   The best thing I did all week was     go out with two of my best friends for margaritas and a movie.  Girl time is seriously the best medicine  .

2.    Ryan Gosling      make me super happy. (Related: GO SEE DRIVE.  NOW.)

3.  Pets are   cute and something I'm coming around to, thanks to office dogs   .

4.   My family and friends   is/are the best thing about my life.

5.  With the cooler weather I am looking forward to    the holidays and wearing boots and cute pea coats!!  Although its supposed to be high-80s this upcoming week, so I don't know what this "cooler weather" chat is .

6.  Something that's on my "wish list" right now is     a trench coat.  I have no purpose for one right now or ever in this region I live in, but they're so cute and sophisticated!  

7.  This weekend I am going to   go insane. Today is all about making my costume for a party and getting last minute shopping for it done, tomorrow is said friend's birthday party where it will be ridiculous amounts of fun, and Sunday I'm going to the Chargers v. Chiefs game! GO BOLTS!!

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Because I can. And it'll make you laugh.

via Cyanide + Happiness

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Wherein I quote a Demi Lovato song and relate it to my life.

Pon & Zi

I haven't made it a secret that I am a closet Demi Lovato fan.  I don't scream it from the top of the mountain, but...I mean...it's there.  I own her albums. I sing her songs in my car like you. would. not. BELIEVE.  I get she is (was?) Disney, she's had her shit going on and hitting the metaphorical fan and all that, I've even admitted that she's pitchy and not-so-great live (because yes, I have seen her in concert).  And yes, I do have her new album UnBroken, that was just released Tuesday.  I may have even downloaded the leak a week ago, eagerly.

Moving along.

She has this new song on her album called Lightweight.  And I mean...it's just one of those cosmic things where you're sitting by your lonesome, contemplating how emotionally drained you feel and the shitty situations you find yourself in, and basically being a big fat downer - when suddenly you hear a song, and it just fits.  It's like it's reading your heart, pulling your feelings into words.

And I'm only slightly ashamed to admit it's a cheesy pop song in my heart.

     I'm a lightweight better be careful what you say
       With every word I'm blown away
       You're in control of my heart
       I'm a lightweight easy to fall easy to break
       With every move my whole world shakes


I am a romantic. For some reason I don't really like admitting it, but it's true: give me a dozen roses, write me a poem, stand outside my window with a boom box over your head and I am yours, forever.  Kiss me on the forehead, even just tap the inside of my wrist and my heart will probably flip three times over.

The problem is that I am a romantic about everything, to anyone.  It could be a friend, it could be an innocent move, and it will make me fall just a little in love with you.  In college, a friend waited outside a classroom for me to finish my chat with our professor so we could walk to our next building together - and I fell a little in love.  A different friend held back the group we were going to dinner with at the Commons by 15 minutes to accommodate my 6:30pm registration time, without me even asking -- and I fell in love.  Another friend told me he likes the books I recommend - and it's love all over again.

So imagine how deep it goes when it's someone I am interested in who does something like that for me.  It's just game over at that point - I am yours, forever, for always, with everything I have.  I'm a big flirt, but underneath it all, my heart is just hoping to pieces that something he's said is real.  That we'll lock eyes and one of those moments will happen where we just know our lives are meant to be intertwined somehow.

And I fear that this happened with someone, but it was all just...me falling too hard, too fast, too easily.  It's that situation where I know he was meant to be Someone in my life.  It was too immediate when we met for me to ignore it.  But then...it all just went to shit.  We immediately got along.  We started flirting.  We joked and laughed and shared interests and argued intelligently and it was like I found a piece of a puzzle I didn't even know I was a part of.

But for some reason, it's not fitting right now.  I don't know if it ever will, but all I know is I keep trying to put it together, and it's just bending and breaking me.  Every now and again he'll give a little hope that he is a match, that we'll fit just-so...but it still doesn't quite look right.  And eventually, we'll try so hard and fail so much it will all fracture and fade away.

I'm a lightweight, easy to fall and easy to break...

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I feel like there's math in this post, but I promise it isn't.

You know what's really awkward?  When one of your friends starts dating the friend of your friend.

Like...I'm A, my friend is B, and I'm friends with C.  C has this friend D, who meets B when A and C hang out, and suddenly, B and D are dating.

Let's all make this complicated because A also likes C's other friend E, and now B is hanging out with C, D AND E, and A is left...out.

Yeah.

I've talked about how I'm the single one of most of my friends before.  Because it's just the way it is: I'm the single girl.  Single all my life, and everyone else around me seems to float in and out of relationships.  I am the constant. Everyone else is just a variable.  And I'm ok with this, I get that it's not really something I can control, it's how the world works and I trust that it'll work out in some way or another.  Maybe this is how it's meant to be.

But you know...sometimes it kind of sucks.

I'm about to get all whine-y, rage-y, bitch-y up in here, as a warning.

I am glad to be your friend.  I will always be your friend.  But it SUCKS when I am the back up plan.  I don't always like being there when your boyfriend/guy you're seeing has other plans.  I get you have to split your time, that yes, a boyfriend will take precedence the majority of the time -- but it's a big blow to my self-esteem when I am constantly the "Oh well I'm actually going to go out with my boyfriend...but if the plans change, you'll be next!"  The "oh hey, so my boyfriend suddenly has to work and I know you're free, let's hang!"  Because yes, not dating someone most definitely means that I am always open, always available, always hanging around waiting for your call so I can have a life.  Sarcasm.

I am always happy to listen to you and the details of your dates and how everything went.  I will always have an open ear.  But please notice the slight hurt in my eyes when you start telling me how wonderful he is, how amazing he is, how you can't believe that someone could live without this kind of love and affection in their life.  That it takes me just a half second longer to laugh with you when you tell me the sweet, funny thing he did for you; that my voice will falter when I tell you it's all wonderful.  I am happy for you, trust me - but it makes my own heart yearn, too.

I'm an open person.  I don't get embarrassed by much, and I will just as soon talk openly about periods and sex as I will about career and design and whatever-have-you.  But sometimes, it is NOT appropriate to tell me the gritty details of your sex life or constantly talk about how you get it on, when you do, where you did, how long you did, how hot and excited you guys were. It is not always appropriate to make things a sexual insinuation, and no, I don't feel it necessary to constantly turn everything into a sexualized object.  In a bar over cocktails discussing your latest guy?  Sure, tell me whatever you want.  Pointing at a bed in a furniture store and saying that it won't work because the headboard isn't something you can grab onto in ecstasy?  Not quite.

I'm a fairly confident person.  I am comfortable with who I am, what I can do, how I view myself right now.  I know my abilities and what I can offer.  But that doesn't mean all of that doesn't take a hit when people keep passing me up to be with you.  When it's pointed out that someone chose you over me. When it's obvious that I was second choice, that I am the wingman woman to your Target.  Say what you want to puff up your own ego, but know that it isn't appreciated when you tell me "Well yeah, he was talking to you, but I can feel that it was just so he could get to me."  EVEN if it's true...I hope you see the light in my eyes die just a little bit.

And can I just say that it's really depressing that a majority of my friends have met their significant others through me?  All my friends always love my other friends.  I'm a great matchmaker!  I'm just terrible at finding my own match.

And at the end of the day, you get to go home to someone who will hug you and kiss you and simply be happy to be with you.

And I?

I am the backup. The constant. The perimeter.  The single rider, there to fill in the space.

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The Great San DIego Blackout of 2011 (and of course some Friday Blanks!)

So, this was a strange night.  1.4 million San Diego Gas & Electric customers lost power yesterday (Thursday), around 3:45pm.  Complete shut down.  Everyone.  From parts of Arizona to northern Mexico (Tijuana and Rosarito) to every nook and cranny of San Diego, to even San Juan Clemente and San Onofre - south Orange County.  It was anticipated to last until Friday afternoon, though apparently mine came back around 2am (according to the math I did based on a blinking alarm clock...since it's based on my math, don't take it too seriously).

It was strange.  No traffic lights, no computers, mostly no internet since everyone's wireless depends on electricity.  All our stores and restaurants and businesses shut down because no one could do anything once it became dark; or because all refrigeration and check out machines were down.  We had to make do with the cash we had because no ATMs work (and who carries cash these days?!) and make sure we had candles and flashlights.

It was kind of hilarious, because everyone was...outside.  People were walking everywhere (seriously, having streetlights be completely out is terrifying), kids were playing outside, most people were grilling on bbqs since appliances didn't work and food would spoil...we kept joking that it was a block party.  And none of us have ever really met our neighbours, but the entire neighbourhood was out and about.  Then it got dark, candles turned on, you sit and joke with your family because there is no TV, no stereo, no laptops, people couldn't charge iPads.

It came up on more than one occasion that it was like a Zombieland.  I mean, no sound at all, you're just listening to the breathing of those around you.  Grocery stores are closed, dark, completely silenced.  Signs are up about closures.  If ever a time for a zombie-pocolype, that was it.

Only two seriously un-funny things about The Great San Diego Blackout 2011.  1) No A/C on a 100+ degree day.  And 2) I FUCKING MISSED OPENING FOOTBALL DAY!

Anyway.  Filling in the Blanks!  Link up here!

1.   Somewhere someone is  sleeping blissfully, as I should be doing since it's 5:43am currently.

2.    Authors      is/are my muse.

3.  It would suck if    cookies    was/ no more because    there would be no happiness.  I mean, what's more smile-inducing than a warm-from-the-oven cookie?

4.    Funny stories and weird happenings   is/are my favorite thing about today.

5.  Life is kind of like     a really, really good joke.  There's build-up and background and the anticipation of more and even a few moments of that 'can't-stand-it' feeling of wanting it to be over...but in the end, it's funny and satisfying and everything falls into place .

6.  If I could have anything I wanted I would want   the ability to travel with all those I love, in good health and great fun   .

7.  A funny thing happened the other day...    all of San Diego county lost their power and we were all forced to spend the evenings with our families/houses by candlelight.  Life can't get funnier than that   .

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I have reservations about posting this since it's so detailed and personal, but...I'll go with it.

So, this is a post I was working on last week.  Last Thursday, to be exact.

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Dear you,

It's been awhile.  We haven't seen each other in quite a bit.  Almost 3 months now?  May-June-July-August.  Four!  Soon five!  I hardly even remember the last time we saw each other, actually.  Well...now that I wrote that, of course I remember.  5am.  I fell asleep on you.

Not that i haven't heard about you in five months.  No, I'm not sure you realize how much you're still in my life.  The magic of having a mutual friend, I suppose.  The thing is, everything that's been said have been things that are driving me away.  That you're going to the shooting range with your roommate?  I really don't like that.  I'm weird about guns, since I've had friends die at the end of them.  And I very much do not support the idea that just about anyone can own one.

The other thing...you're still smoking pot?  Honeybee, you're in your 30s.  It's time to quit that shit.  I can understand some experimentation, liking it, doing it when you're carefree in your 20s and all.  But to regularly be doing it when you're in the 30s, good job, steady finances?  Now you're just running from something and supplementing it with something unhealthy.  It's being your escape.  You need to face that and quit that.

I suppose I shouldn't judge you so hard, because I bet there are several things you'd change about me.  I'm perpetually late, by at least 15 minutes. I know you're not a fan of the fact I let people walk all over me for things that aren't even worth it. I think you think I'm the least interesting of all my friends. If you knew me more, you'd probably dislike more things, too.

Despite all that, I still can't help that I want to see you.  I thought being away would make it go away.  And it has, sort of.  I don't think about you constantly.  I don't talk about you all the time, I'm fairly certain there's even been days when you don't cross my mind.

But that little flutter is still there.  I relive that one night much more often than I'd like to.  And it wasn't even anything too important in our lives - we held hands.  And not like that first time, when it was walking through a bar.  This was you and me, standing outside that club together.  You with your arm firmly anchored down around my back, mine around your waist, your hand so sweetly in my back pocket.  And then you insisted walking us back to my car, and we were going down the street and somehow your hand found mine and I can still feel the warmth as your hand closed around mine and that thrill that shot through all of me when your fingers spread through mine and we were locked hands, walking blocks, smiling at each other and swinging our arms just a bit.  For twenty seconds of my life, it felt like I finally had you.

And then the next time I saw you, when you nearly picked me up off my feet with the big greeting hug.  When you whispered that you wanted to stay by my side all night.  When we were all headed back to your place and we passed by that slightly shady part of town and I felt you tighten the arm I had mine looped through, bringing me closer to your side and you reached up to cover my hand with yours.  When I fell even more in love with you when we started discussing books.  When I fell asleep on you.

The funny part about all this is even I know that this doesn't matter too much.  What really matters is that you don't ask me for my phone number or contact me or really bother to keep in touch.  That the five months its been speaks volumes more than that hand hold.  That the important part is the non-communication, not those brief nights of smiles.

Well...obviously that's not the funny part.  Really, it's the sad part.  The one that makes me want to cry.

People tell me to forget about you. That obviously you're a bit opportunist, that you're kind of leading me on.  People tell me you're actually being a jerk this way, playing with my emotions and making me feel something that obviously isn't shared.

Maybe they're right.  You certainly haven't done much to prove all of them wrong.  But 

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I don't remember what it was that made me stop writing. I think I had to go back to work or a friend came into the Starbucks I was working in.  I really love that I stopped mid sentence - "...but."  It's so...cliffhanging, right?  I mean, what was I going to say to defend that?  How was I going to justify my still wanting you?

The part that I love is that so much has changed since last Thursday.  Let's keep it in the same style, shall we?

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Dear You,

It's certainly been quite a week for us, hasn't it?  I didn't see you for 5 months, and then I saw you twice in the span of 3 days.  Not just saw - we hung out. We had some drinks together.  I went to your house.  We have each other's phone numbers.

But you still make me want to cry.

I can see that we're not meant to be more.  Not right now, anyway.  It's one of those feelings that's just deep in my bones, that I know.  I told a friend when we first met that our timing was off - that in five years, you and I would be each other's One.  I don't even think you think of me in a romantic sense, thanks to my relationship with our mutual friend and that I'm so much younger than you ("so much," really, because what's 6 years in the long run?).  But right now it's just...not our time.

That doesn't make this any easier.  Knowing that we're not right for right now doesn't take away how attracted I am to you.  How easy it is for me to be around you, what we have in common, how funny and personable you are.  How much I still want you.  It doesn't take away our discussions, those nights we danced, all the drinks and shots we've had between us.  And unfortunately, i don't think it's going to prevent me from asking you to hang out or join us on nights out, and I don't think this was our last time being silly and stupid and drunk together.

But I can see that that's all it's going to be.  It'll be a good time, lots of laughing and most likely an equal amount of teasing and sarcasm.  Maybe it'll even be more hand holding, some flirting, potentially some more nasty naughty dancing, and it's just as likely that we'll call each other pet names and maybe even make the occasional insinuation that we could be more.  None of that would be the first time.

What would be a mistake is forcing this.  Because I can see that I am not what you want.  You can't have a serious relationship, not after your last...lifetime.  Not after what you went through.  Maybe you wouldn't mind dating, having a girlfriend again if she's the right one at the moment -- but I see that it's nothing that could be a wife in a couple years.

Not to say I want to be your wife, or married in the next decade.  But I like to have an option of a future with someone, and right now, I don't think you can offer that.  That's not a fault, it's nothing to blame you for; that's just where you're at right now.  I can see that.

And it's not like you're what I want.  I don't know what I want, first of all.  I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, or for dating even.  Which should probably end all of this right now. But I can recognize that if you did ask me out...I'd say yes.  So that has to mean something is ready in me, right?  True as that may be, I'm not one that can keep it casual and have the 'maybe...we're just enjoying spending time together' answer to give.  I'm too emotional for that.  I need to know what we are, and I don't have qualms about talking about it.  And I know that you are not someone who can give me the answers right now.

I want you to know how much fun I had these past few days.  That it was really good to see you.  That my heart fluttered when you opened your arms to me and called me beautiful.  That I was more than ready to say yes when you asked us to join you the next day.  That I liked when you came over to me after our gazes tripped over one another across the table. That you are a hilarious dancer, and yes, you are terrible - but I love you so much more for it.

And I want you to know that I won't wait for you.  That I am not going to hang around and see if you are ready, or when you're ready, or hope that you are ready.  I will not hinge my life on yours.

But if in five years...

It will be a yes.

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Coke, Sprite, Shock Top, Vodka Cran, Sangria, Gold Tequila, Water, Margaritas, Jameson, Jack Daniels

And that was my Labor Day weekend in a list of drinks I consumed.  It was fun, and stressful, and hectic, and heartbreaking, and a bit drunk.  Or a lot drunk.

Who really knows.

Ten on Tuesday!  Link up here!

1. What temperature do you keep your thermostat on during the day?

I think the house is set to 78*

2. What temperature do you keep your thermostat on at night?
I think the house is set at 72*

3. In a canister of mixed nuts, do you pick out certain varieties and leave the others?

I don't eat any nuts actually, so this canister would not be with me.

4. What is your favorite kind of M&M?

Despite what I just said, I love peanut M&Ms.  Delicious!

5. How do you buy books? (Amazon, bookstore, new, used, electronic, etc)

Usually Barnes and Noble, in-store only.  I rarely purchase books online.  With Borders going out of business, I've purchased a ridiculous amount of books lately (enough where I'm looking for a second bookshelf. Seriously. I haven't seen my desk in 4 months).  But I also do not purchase hardcover books, so if something comes out and I'm impatient, I'll download a PDF file or something from the internet to read on my iPad.

6. How do you like your eggs cooked?

Scrambled or overhard.  Depending what I'm eating it with.  With lots of pepper and hot sauce (Cholula!)

7. Can you whistle?

I can!  Not too well, but I can.

8. What common word do you always misspell?

I found out that I've tragically been misspelling melancholy wrong my entire life.  I'm not sure that's 'common,' but it's enough to make me sad.

9. Are you afraid of flying?

Not at all!  I love it!

10. How often do you go shopping?

Too often now that I'll be unemployed in a week!  I grocery shop maybe once every two weeks (the perks of living with your parents), and even then it's nothing major -- as for shopping for fun, I'll maybe go out and browse once a week, but I really only buy something once a month, if that.  And even then it might be like a $4 bracelet from H&M (not that I bought that on Sunday...Imeanwhat?).

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