#Reverb10 catch-up: prompts 2-4

Prompt #2: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
I was going to say work, since all it does is impede my time and I preeetty much blame everything on work.  But actually...that's all I've blogged or tweeted about recently.  And writing is writing, even if it's in the form of 140 characters or a quickly shot off blog post.  So really, work is the reason I'm writing?  (That is a strange thought.)

I realized though, something I do every day that doesn't contribute to my work: make excuses.  It's not procrastination - it's shoving blame off on other things.  I work too much, I'm too tired, I won't have enough time to write something worthwhile, I have to leave in half an hour...the list is endless.  I can make any excuse for any situation.  I simply take the easy way out, and I'd rather like it to stop.

As much as I don't want to admit it, yes, of course I can eliminate this.  It's difficult to accept blame, isn't it?  Maybe it's just me.  In any case, I'll have to face a lot of things to eliminate this: that maybe I'm not as disciplined as I like to believe, or that I'm not as confident as I seem.  But I know that this is necessary, and that I need to work on it.



Prompt #3: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors)
I didn't want to go down the steep, wooden stairs.  They looked rickety and honestly, the thought of it made my stomach drop.  And then as soon as I got down there, I'd have to walk the dark pathway that extended maybe three feet around the cliff's edge...two steps in the wrong direction and I'd find myself in the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean, 30 feet below at 1 in the morning - not a situation I'd like.

Five minutes later, I'd gone down the steps and forced myself across the pathway - now I was standing at the edge of a jutting cliff, staring out into the darkness of the ocean and watching the waves crush against the rocks below me. My friends were behind me - I could hear them yelling at each other and hollering dares and horsing around - and in front of me was the ocean...and it felt like the entire world was at my feet.  Salty air, fresh wind, the voices of people I love and people who love me close enough to feel like I'm grounded but far enough away where I felt on my own...that small dip in your stomach as you look past the cliff and know that if three pebbles under your feet move your entire life will change somehow, some way...it's one of those moments where I know that my life, whatever the hell I'm feeling and thinking and wanting and needing...I know that my life is a life I want to live.


Prompt #4: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
For the majority of this year, I was unemployed. And most of the time, I was pretty much lost and hopeless and listless and, as much as I'd like to not use the word, depressed.  But during this time, I also recognized how blessed I was to be given a time where I was financially cared for and, while yes I was incredibly worried and stressed, I had all the time in the world.  And I used that time: I explored San Diego and facets of my life I never had before. I went to beaches I'd never been to, walked into stores I didn't normally go into, found libraries and buildings and secret hidden landmarks of San Diego I never thought I would. I had a pitiful attempt at GeoCaching that I would like to revisit in the new year.

Most of all, I went about my routine with new eyes. I started to pay attention to the tennis courts I went to, I started to look around the libraries I was constantly at, really listen to the customers while I sat at Starbucks and Coffee Bean and Panera.  There's so much gone unseen and unnoticed in our daily lives, and for a brief few months of this year, I really made an effort to take it all in.

It has dwindled as I've gotten more and more caught up in work and family and holidays and the drama and daily doings of life, but I hope to remember this feeling as my life continue.  That I'll take at least an hour a day or a day a week or a week a months to really look around and keep my eyes open.

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My year in one word, and how batman's an asshole. (They're unrelated. Swear.)

If you're tapped into the blogosphere even a little bit, it's a high chance you've heard about #reverb10.  (If you haven't, click here!) The day has finally come: Prompt 1!

Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Ashley's 2010 in a word: brutal.

This year was rough.  I started the year unemployed, and everything seemed to fall apart from there.  I started to get down on myself as a potential employee--and when that situation didn't improve, it started to take its toll on the rest of me. I started to doubt myself, who I am, what I am to others...pretty much everything.

And then I got a job. And it seemed ok again  - until I realized that my unemployment was a factor to my depression, but not the reason.  There were so many things that didn't get better when I was hired; in fact, it made it worse. I started to lose faith in me, in my worth, in the others around me.  I started to feel like I'd never amount to anything, as though I was wasting everything. And then it turned to the fact that I felt like a colossal disappointment to anyone who had ever believed in me.

I don't really know the turning point, or if there really was one...but the feeling is fading. There are still a lot of things I'm unhappy about, and it does unfortunately outnumber the things I'm currently ok with--but what matters is that I'm feeling ok about things.  That I can still tell there's good in my life, that there are things I am happy with and grateful for and incredibly blessed to have and am hopeful about.

Which is really what I'd like next year to be about.  It just needs to have a bit of hope.

And on a sort of related but not actually note...we have a client named Bruce Wayne.  Like...really.  That's his name.  And his voicemail message is hilarious, because it's just so serious.  It feels as though he's in such a rush because he's just like "ThisisBruceWayneI'mnothereleaveamessage" and its so quick and businesslike and its like OH SHIT he's out saving the world!

We were pretty psyched about having Batman as a client for awhile...until he emailed us back the answer to our question. And it won't really make sense to anyone who isn't in my industry, plus the fact that it is kind of specific so I really shouldn't share it on a public blog - but let's leave it that he's a prick. His answer was so facetious and clipped and RUDE.  Completely uncalled for, and the only conclusion we can come to is that Batman is, unfortunately, an asshole.

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The State of Ashley - Mid(ish)-November Report

Was I the only one who didn't realize Thanksgiving is next week?  Because holy shit when the hell did that happen and where the fuck did my time go?!

Now that's out of the way...

So, I'm alive.  Barely, and I think my stress levels will take care of the pathetic pieces that are left of me, but for what it's worth...at least enough to put up a blog post!  Work has gotten absolutely insane, and I basically work full time (on minimum wage!  Totally fair. Sarcasm).  I actually even worked overtime today.  I don't discuss work in depth on here, but I work in the financial industry (let's all laugh about that since I had to cry in my AP calculus class in high school to pass.  That's real, y'all) and a good 90% of our clients' fiscal year ends sometime this month.  Therefore, they're all scrambling and stressed and getting all holleration yelly screamy shouty, and it, in turn, makes my life murderous super fucking awesome.

In addition to that...a second job is on the horizon.  Sort of.  It's mine if I want it, but...I don't think I do.  I'm not sure.  It's all really up in the air and I can't make decisions, so we'll leave it that last week, I worked a grand total of 70 hours.  And I felt like I was dying.  I was literally falling asleep anywhere I was, no matter the time or place or if I was standing or sitting or leaning.

So, naturally, NaNoWriMo was a bust.  Or at least...so far.  I stubbornly steadfastly refuse to admit defeat, partially because I have busted out mass amounts of word counts in a week, and mostly because I still think I actually can complete it.  But I currently sit at 5,894 words--and those were all done the first 3 days of November.  I still may try for something during the holiday break, but...it may fall to the wayside.  Which is unfortunate, but necessary.

Despite the fact that I apparently don't know how close it is to the holidays, I am super duper excited for Christmas season!  I am that obnoxious person who has Christmas carols already, and why yes, I have in fact watched Elf already.  I have yet to buy my first Christmas gift (Target was sold out of what I was going to purchase :(), but I have thought about how I'm going to decorate my house.  And my room.  And my office.  And I'm trying to plan my office holiday party...I just can't help how much I love it!

One thing that's been happening is a loooot of baking (which those of you who follow me on Twitter have found out)!  I've gone kind of cookie crazy, for some reason. It started that I saw a recipe that I really wanted to try, and then I found out I am going to be baking a lot for the holidays, so I figured...why not start now?  I've had two go-rounds with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and one with mint chocolate chip cookies.  Both of which were mighty successful with my office men, which made me astonishingly happy.  It's just nice when someone tells you your baking is "delicious" and you notice that they come out to your office for cookies.  Makes me feel all warm 'n snuggly (is that sad?  Don't answer that...).

I wish I could have blogged more this month, but I feel like I'm slowly making my way into a routine.  I'm going to attempt the #reverb10 prompt-given reflection on 2010 that's happening in December...we'll see if I can find the time to commit to it, but it's nice to have something to look forward to that will make me be around here more.  Especially since I miss all you wonderful bloggy friends so!

I have work in the morning, so I am off to bed...but more importantly, how are you all doing?

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