I feel like there's math in this post, but I promise it isn't.

You know what's really awkward?  When one of your friends starts dating the friend of your friend.

Like...I'm A, my friend is B, and I'm friends with C.  C has this friend D, who meets B when A and C hang out, and suddenly, B and D are dating.

Let's all make this complicated because A also likes C's other friend E, and now B is hanging out with C, D AND E, and A is left...out.

Yeah.

I've talked about how I'm the single one of most of my friends before.  Because it's just the way it is: I'm the single girl.  Single all my life, and everyone else around me seems to float in and out of relationships.  I am the constant. Everyone else is just a variable.  And I'm ok with this, I get that it's not really something I can control, it's how the world works and I trust that it'll work out in some way or another.  Maybe this is how it's meant to be.

But you know...sometimes it kind of sucks.

I'm about to get all whine-y, rage-y, bitch-y up in here, as a warning.

I am glad to be your friend.  I will always be your friend.  But it SUCKS when I am the back up plan.  I don't always like being there when your boyfriend/guy you're seeing has other plans.  I get you have to split your time, that yes, a boyfriend will take precedence the majority of the time -- but it's a big blow to my self-esteem when I am constantly the "Oh well I'm actually going to go out with my boyfriend...but if the plans change, you'll be next!"  The "oh hey, so my boyfriend suddenly has to work and I know you're free, let's hang!"  Because yes, not dating someone most definitely means that I am always open, always available, always hanging around waiting for your call so I can have a life.  Sarcasm.

I am always happy to listen to you and the details of your dates and how everything went.  I will always have an open ear.  But please notice the slight hurt in my eyes when you start telling me how wonderful he is, how amazing he is, how you can't believe that someone could live without this kind of love and affection in their life.  That it takes me just a half second longer to laugh with you when you tell me the sweet, funny thing he did for you; that my voice will falter when I tell you it's all wonderful.  I am happy for you, trust me - but it makes my own heart yearn, too.

I'm an open person.  I don't get embarrassed by much, and I will just as soon talk openly about periods and sex as I will about career and design and whatever-have-you.  But sometimes, it is NOT appropriate to tell me the gritty details of your sex life or constantly talk about how you get it on, when you do, where you did, how long you did, how hot and excited you guys were. It is not always appropriate to make things a sexual insinuation, and no, I don't feel it necessary to constantly turn everything into a sexualized object.  In a bar over cocktails discussing your latest guy?  Sure, tell me whatever you want.  Pointing at a bed in a furniture store and saying that it won't work because the headboard isn't something you can grab onto in ecstasy?  Not quite.

I'm a fairly confident person.  I am comfortable with who I am, what I can do, how I view myself right now.  I know my abilities and what I can offer.  But that doesn't mean all of that doesn't take a hit when people keep passing me up to be with you.  When it's pointed out that someone chose you over me. When it's obvious that I was second choice, that I am the wingman woman to your Target.  Say what you want to puff up your own ego, but know that it isn't appreciated when you tell me "Well yeah, he was talking to you, but I can feel that it was just so he could get to me."  EVEN if it's true...I hope you see the light in my eyes die just a little bit.

And can I just say that it's really depressing that a majority of my friends have met their significant others through me?  All my friends always love my other friends.  I'm a great matchmaker!  I'm just terrible at finding my own match.

And at the end of the day, you get to go home to someone who will hug you and kiss you and simply be happy to be with you.

And I?

I am the backup. The constant. The perimeter.  The single rider, there to fill in the space.

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I have reservations about posting this since it's so detailed and personal, but...I'll go with it.

So, this is a post I was working on last week.  Last Thursday, to be exact.

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Dear you,

It's been awhile.  We haven't seen each other in quite a bit.  Almost 3 months now?  May-June-July-August.  Four!  Soon five!  I hardly even remember the last time we saw each other, actually.  Well...now that I wrote that, of course I remember.  5am.  I fell asleep on you.

Not that i haven't heard about you in five months.  No, I'm not sure you realize how much you're still in my life.  The magic of having a mutual friend, I suppose.  The thing is, everything that's been said have been things that are driving me away.  That you're going to the shooting range with your roommate?  I really don't like that.  I'm weird about guns, since I've had friends die at the end of them.  And I very much do not support the idea that just about anyone can own one.

The other thing...you're still smoking pot?  Honeybee, you're in your 30s.  It's time to quit that shit.  I can understand some experimentation, liking it, doing it when you're carefree in your 20s and all.  But to regularly be doing it when you're in the 30s, good job, steady finances?  Now you're just running from something and supplementing it with something unhealthy.  It's being your escape.  You need to face that and quit that.

I suppose I shouldn't judge you so hard, because I bet there are several things you'd change about me.  I'm perpetually late, by at least 15 minutes. I know you're not a fan of the fact I let people walk all over me for things that aren't even worth it. I think you think I'm the least interesting of all my friends. If you knew me more, you'd probably dislike more things, too.

Despite all that, I still can't help that I want to see you.  I thought being away would make it go away.  And it has, sort of.  I don't think about you constantly.  I don't talk about you all the time, I'm fairly certain there's even been days when you don't cross my mind.

But that little flutter is still there.  I relive that one night much more often than I'd like to.  And it wasn't even anything too important in our lives - we held hands.  And not like that first time, when it was walking through a bar.  This was you and me, standing outside that club together.  You with your arm firmly anchored down around my back, mine around your waist, your hand so sweetly in my back pocket.  And then you insisted walking us back to my car, and we were going down the street and somehow your hand found mine and I can still feel the warmth as your hand closed around mine and that thrill that shot through all of me when your fingers spread through mine and we were locked hands, walking blocks, smiling at each other and swinging our arms just a bit.  For twenty seconds of my life, it felt like I finally had you.

And then the next time I saw you, when you nearly picked me up off my feet with the big greeting hug.  When you whispered that you wanted to stay by my side all night.  When we were all headed back to your place and we passed by that slightly shady part of town and I felt you tighten the arm I had mine looped through, bringing me closer to your side and you reached up to cover my hand with yours.  When I fell even more in love with you when we started discussing books.  When I fell asleep on you.

The funny part about all this is even I know that this doesn't matter too much.  What really matters is that you don't ask me for my phone number or contact me or really bother to keep in touch.  That the five months its been speaks volumes more than that hand hold.  That the important part is the non-communication, not those brief nights of smiles.

Well...obviously that's not the funny part.  Really, it's the sad part.  The one that makes me want to cry.

People tell me to forget about you. That obviously you're a bit opportunist, that you're kind of leading me on.  People tell me you're actually being a jerk this way, playing with my emotions and making me feel something that obviously isn't shared.

Maybe they're right.  You certainly haven't done much to prove all of them wrong.  But 

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I don't remember what it was that made me stop writing. I think I had to go back to work or a friend came into the Starbucks I was working in.  I really love that I stopped mid sentence - "...but."  It's so...cliffhanging, right?  I mean, what was I going to say to defend that?  How was I going to justify my still wanting you?

The part that I love is that so much has changed since last Thursday.  Let's keep it in the same style, shall we?

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Dear You,

It's certainly been quite a week for us, hasn't it?  I didn't see you for 5 months, and then I saw you twice in the span of 3 days.  Not just saw - we hung out. We had some drinks together.  I went to your house.  We have each other's phone numbers.

But you still make me want to cry.

I can see that we're not meant to be more.  Not right now, anyway.  It's one of those feelings that's just deep in my bones, that I know.  I told a friend when we first met that our timing was off - that in five years, you and I would be each other's One.  I don't even think you think of me in a romantic sense, thanks to my relationship with our mutual friend and that I'm so much younger than you ("so much," really, because what's 6 years in the long run?).  But right now it's just...not our time.

That doesn't make this any easier.  Knowing that we're not right for right now doesn't take away how attracted I am to you.  How easy it is for me to be around you, what we have in common, how funny and personable you are.  How much I still want you.  It doesn't take away our discussions, those nights we danced, all the drinks and shots we've had between us.  And unfortunately, i don't think it's going to prevent me from asking you to hang out or join us on nights out, and I don't think this was our last time being silly and stupid and drunk together.

But I can see that that's all it's going to be.  It'll be a good time, lots of laughing and most likely an equal amount of teasing and sarcasm.  Maybe it'll even be more hand holding, some flirting, potentially some more nasty naughty dancing, and it's just as likely that we'll call each other pet names and maybe even make the occasional insinuation that we could be more.  None of that would be the first time.

What would be a mistake is forcing this.  Because I can see that I am not what you want.  You can't have a serious relationship, not after your last...lifetime.  Not after what you went through.  Maybe you wouldn't mind dating, having a girlfriend again if she's the right one at the moment -- but I see that it's nothing that could be a wife in a couple years.

Not to say I want to be your wife, or married in the next decade.  But I like to have an option of a future with someone, and right now, I don't think you can offer that.  That's not a fault, it's nothing to blame you for; that's just where you're at right now.  I can see that.

And it's not like you're what I want.  I don't know what I want, first of all.  I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, or for dating even.  Which should probably end all of this right now. But I can recognize that if you did ask me out...I'd say yes.  So that has to mean something is ready in me, right?  True as that may be, I'm not one that can keep it casual and have the 'maybe...we're just enjoying spending time together' answer to give.  I'm too emotional for that.  I need to know what we are, and I don't have qualms about talking about it.  And I know that you are not someone who can give me the answers right now.

I want you to know how much fun I had these past few days.  That it was really good to see you.  That my heart fluttered when you opened your arms to me and called me beautiful.  That I was more than ready to say yes when you asked us to join you the next day.  That I liked when you came over to me after our gazes tripped over one another across the table. That you are a hilarious dancer, and yes, you are terrible - but I love you so much more for it.

And I want you to know that I won't wait for you.  That I am not going to hang around and see if you are ready, or when you're ready, or hope that you are ready.  I will not hinge my life on yours.

But if in five years...

It will be a yes.

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I usually think I'm an easy-going, accepting person, but these are the Non-Negotiables.

 (Meant in the romantic, "sorry, I won't date you if you do this" sense; not the investment banking, business sense)

• No Smoking.  I get that I don't exactly treat my body as a temple, but smoking is something I simply don't understand. It's disgusting and there are far more negatives than positives. With so much evidence to the contrary, why would one continue?! I get the nicotine addiction, but there are other less-destructive ways to get the edge off.  And aside from this debate...smoke actually makes me gag and feel like vomiting. So...Future Man In My Life (FMIML) will not be a smoker.  Ever.
• Support Gay Marriage. Ok, maybe not support, but FMIML cannot be against it. He doesn't have to want it, and I'll even accept indifference. The main point is: he can't outspokenly protest gay marriage. There are few things in this world I will fight for and speak up about, but this is one of them. I believe the right to marriage is one that belongs to humanity as a whole, not to heterosexuality, and I find no solid, legitimate evidence that the LGBT community shouldn't be allowed this. Of course I have other reasons, but that's enough for a Non-Negotiable List.  No H8 or no love from me.
• Interest in travel. Because I am going everywhere I can whenever I can, and I'd like him to come with me sometimes, too.
• Accept my non-religious life. I've always maintained that someone who does have strong religious convictions probably won't want me in the first place so this is a moot point, but I'll list it because it is important. I haven't figured out my beliefs, and I suspect that I never really will. I'm open for discussion, for debate, for the thought and exploration--but I do not stand for someone who punishes me for a difference in belief and/or pushes their faith on me.
• Interest in sports (or will at least fake it on my behalf).  I wouldn't classify myself as athletic and I definitely struggle holding up a conversation that includes sports trivia and current standings, but I love me some football, I like me some baseball, I adore me some Olympics and I play me some tennis.  He doesn't have to talk to me about it, he doesn't have to keep up in it, but I'd appreciate at least accompanying me to some games and not being rude about it. I will make the effort for his interests, so I'd appreciate it back. (And yes, I do know men who have zero interest in sports.  This bullet point is necessary.)

The rest, I suppose, is open for discussion.  What are your non-negotiables?

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I would have tried to make it work.

I would have made the effort and worked for it.

I would have loved you from afar and hoped in the distance.

I would have picked up your phone calls and answered your texts and responded to your IMs.

I would have driven to have dinner when we both had the time and brought money for my share even though I knew you'd insist you would pick up the tab.  I'd have left the tip.

I would have shaken hands with all your friends and made small talk and learned all about the people you find worthwhile.

I would have listened to you talk about your long days at work and given you back rubs when the tension was too much and bought you a celebratory drink when you got the promotion.

I would have supported your dreams, the ones that want to change the world and alter our lives.  I would have believed in you.

I would have hugged you when you needed it, and even when you didn't.

I would have kissed you when I saw you because I was happy to see you, to finally get to be with you.

I would have made you laugh, especially on the days you never thought you would.

I would have only complained a little bit when you forgot important dates, like my parent's anniversary or my brother's birthday or that day that terrifies me.

I would have kept you company during those long trips and endless nights of work.

I would have driven you home after one too many drinks with your buddies.  I'd even try to parallel park your car.

I would have let you read my writing and get inside my head, like you once told me you wanted to.

I would have gone to your silly basketball games, even though you know I hate that sport. And even though you would insist it was ok, I didn't have to, I would have gone anyway.

I would have tried to understand that bit about your heritage that you described as "complicated."

I would have introduced you to all my friends.  Proudly, holding your hand, secretly gloating because I was with you and they weren't.

I would have shown you my favourite spot in my city, and gone with you to yours.

I would have let you choose what music to listen to in the car.  Most of the time, anyway, until that weird jazz station you like started lulling me to sleep.

I would have.

If you had let me.

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