Mondays are too difficult to really think. Have some photos of food, wine, work and Comic-con 2011. (It's never too late.)

I've been sorting and organising my hard drive and ran across some photos that never got put up on the blog...not that I meant to ever put them up, but they seem worthy now, I suppose.

Because all I do is whine about work, I thought I'd show you the space I currently work in.  That monitor in front? I set up that whole thing by myself (and broke a nail in the process), CPU and internet and hooking it up to the network included.

Friends and I went wine tasting. If you're in San Diego, I recommend going to The Wine Encounter in Hillcrest!  Thursdays you can do a 5 pre-selected wine tasting for $8!

I also HIGHLY recommend R-Gang Eatery in Hillcrest. Does this sandwich not look DELICIOUS?! It was my own food and I'm jealous of my past self for having it!  We went here for my mom's birthday lunch and oh heavens I am counting the days until I can go back.  For the inquiring minds, it's their Turkey Sandy: roasted turkey, brie, tomato, spinach, sun dried tomato pesto, and basil aioli with rosemary garlic fries. My mouth watered just typing all that.

Current nails. How different do they look in flash and no flash?! Safe to say they're normally somewhere in the middle (also, the no-flash one is suuuuper blurry. Sorry!).  Apologies for the tip wear, they're about 5 days old now.  It's L'Oreal - Jet Set to Paris from their new line. (The glitter overlay is China Glaze - Fairy Dust!)

And I stumbled upon a few of my Comic-con 2011 pictures that I know I meant to put up but never did.  Enjoy how old these are now!

FilmDistrict Signing, where people from Drive and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark were there. That's Ron Perlman, Carey Mulligan (girlcrush<3) and Nicolas Winding Refn (director) there. Hilarious to talk to. Ron was gruff and awesome, Carey was quiet and sweet and a bit tired, and Nicolas was druuuuuuunk.  At the other end of the table was Guy Pearce who was scruffy and charming and held up the line chatting with me.

Zach Levi (from Chuck). This was the last day of Comic-con and we were at Nerd HQ with him.

Yeah I look horrible (I was sick and tired and it was raining and I'd just spent a good 80 hours at Comic-con stuff), but the story behind this is that right as it was my turn to go up and have my 20 second chat and photo with him (I was going to tell him how much my mom loves him!), some bitch girl screams from the street how much she loves him and he changed her life and gave her the strength to really follow her dreams. UH--EXCUSE ME GIRL, YOU'RE INTERRUPTING MY ZACH TIME. I'm totally giving her the stink eye here. (But he did have his arm around my back sothere'salwaysthat)

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It is Wednesday. Have some music.

I am exhausted.

Still temping/working at my old company, the work is tedious but doable.  A little better since I get to focus on one project and not deal with the rest of the office matters. Plus, I was able to hire one of my best friends to be a temp with me for the project, which makes it much easier to have a friend there.

I was asked to stay longer and finish out the entire project as opposed to the part I'm doing. I haven't quite made a decision, but I was given allowance to work from home - in fact, the boss insisted I do so, that I was just wasting my gas, time, and sleep going so far into the office.  How could I turn that down? I can work on my own time at my own speed with a deadline and keep up with blogging and reading and life.

Sigh.

That said, exhausted. It's been a long few days, even though I didn't do too much. Did everyone have a good, long weekend? I worked, I did some designing (the new layouts will probably be up later this month, hooray!), I sat at home and read.  All in all, fantastic.

But I also got 3 hours of sleep last night, so...it was a rough day. And then my Starbucks barista messed up my order, and it just got all wacky from there.

This post is kind of nonsensical, and I'm going to finish painting my nails an obnoxiously bright blue (I don't know why) and hit the sack.  Despite the work-at-home offer, I'm going into the office full time this week to keep my best friend company and make sure she settles in (the portion of the project she's taking on requires her to be in-office), so one more week of sleepiness and I'm free!

There's really no way to end this post.  I am sleepy.

Let's finish with a song, shall we?

I haven't quite figured out how I feel about Lana Del Rey. She's too awkward to watch perform, and even though I don't think I like this song, I listen to it any time it's on the radio. In full. And think about it, and hum it, and I've started to sing along. So maybe I do like it?  In any case, I've concluded Lana Del Rey is an artist that I can only listen to when I'm in the right mood: depressed. Sad. Tragic. Tortured. Kind of like how I feel about Damien Rice (Cannonball? Rips my heart out).

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light posting this week

In a complete surprise, I have a temp job.

At my old company.

That I left.

Because it made me miserable.

I know, I know.

I was the last one to think I would be back at that office, but I got the call (yesterday) that they were looking for a temporary hire to finish out a project in the next two weeks. And because the pay would be enough to reimburse me all the Christmas money I spent plus more, and the work was easy (if not tedious), and because apparently I can be bought - I said I would do it.

Rationally, I knew I was probably the best hope to do it. I know the company and the business (it's a small niche business, one of those companies that probably affects your life but you have no idea it even exists), I know the software and the project.  Any other hire would have to go through some training and have tons of questions.

I've also got a car tune-up coming up, so...there's that.

I have crazy mixed feelings about being back there, but I figured I would feel shitty if I turned it down and shitty if I took the offer. So, I may as well feel shitty with an extra grand in my pocket, right?

I'm trying to convince myself, if that's not obvious.

I'm half way through the first day right now and it's not terrible. The work is mind-numbingly mundane, but it's necessary and I can do it. However, between that and the book schedule I've been keeping to (whoever let me think reserving 8234978234 books at the library at the same time was a good idea, thanks a lot) I'm going to be kept pretty busy.  Hopefully I'll be around to do some posting and blog reading the next two weeks, but as a note, it'll be light over here.

You can always read my Book Blog if you would like :)

I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!

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Numbers and/or Dates That Are Significant in the Recent Past and Future.

63  

Bottles of nail polish I currently have.  This is massive when as of 3 months ago, my number was somewhere around 15.  Curse you, amazing asian supply stores that have all the polish at half the normal retail price!  That said, I have got to figure out a way to store them because having them sit out n the open in my bathroom is not cutting it.

A selection of the collection.

10  

The number of times I've changed my nail polish in the last 3 weeks.  It's a sickness, I swear.

Nails last wednesday. They've been two different colors since.

August 23, 2011

The one year mark of being at my job.  Approximately 10 months longer than I thought I would be.  It's been rough, and tough, and difficult, and a learning experience, and a way I've met some pretty amazing people.

0

The number of times I've gone to Disneyland since buying an Annual Pass.  On my mind because 12 of my friends went on Saturday and I was unable to join, and it made me sad.

December 15, 2011

The day my Disneyland Annual pass expires.

62

The number of applicants I've had thus far to take over my job.  20 of which are viable contenders, 8 of which have interviews with me on Monday.

August 30, 2011

Pay Day!

September 25, 2011

Chargers vs. Chiefs game!!  Only the second time I'll have ever gone to a real NFL game.  Super excited, and yeah, I will proudly be rocking a Nate Kaeding jersey.  YEAH.

12

The number of pages I have written right now for my procedures at work.  I'm currently trying to get together a portfolio with all the procedures and notes in relation to my job - covering everything I see, do, deal with or cover.  It is incredibly difficult and tiring.

14,391

The number of words I have written for my August Camp NaNoWriMo novel before I officially gave up.  Sad, but it gave me ideas for the November NaNo that's just on the horizon.

980

The number of dollars it's going to take to fix my car after that woman backed into me in the parking lot.  That's a lot of fucking money - but her insurance will take care of the entire payment as well as the rental car I'll need for the week it'll be to fix it, so no complaints from me right now.

1

The number of little boys banging on the glass window at Starbucks.

6

The number of people annoyed in Starbucks by said little boy and are turning around to give him and his otherwise-engaged mother evil eyes through the window.

1

The number of people in Starbucks laughing.  This would also be me.

5

The number of weeks I believe it to be early to put up Halloween decorations and candy and displays. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, RALPHS GROCERY STORE?!

August 28, 2011

The first Sunday in 9 weeks I haven't been to a basketball game at the local Boys and Girls Club.  It's weird to not have that on my schedule.

August 29, 2011

Brother's next basketball game at the local Boys and Girls Club.  Not looking forward to the mosquito bites that are inevitable.

9

The amount of mosquito bites I currently have from said basketball games.  Itchy itchy itchy.

And finally, the most important date to me right now:

September 13, 2011

My last day at work.  The final day.  The day I will go into the office and know I'm never coming back to deal with shitty clients, unfair situations and irresponsible people.  It will be bittersweet and sad and THE BEST DAY EVER.

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Glossing over a several week-long absence...Fill-in-the-Blank Friday!

Link up here!

1.   I am currently obsessed with Denver. I'm going to be there next week and am SUPER SUPER excited since it'll be my first real traveling in years. And I've never been and am looking forward to it so much.

2.  Today I am suprisingly ok because, despite the fact my boss was being annoying and accusing and my coworker was being lazy, I still managed to get a lot of work done and not get stressed out or overwhelmed. Plus, someone who I hate to admit affects me as much as he does...was incredibly sweet to me.

3.  The age I am is 23 (24 in a few weeks!) and the age I feel is mostly 23. Sometimes I feel like an immature 23 and sometimes I feel like a too-old 23, but still my own age.

4.  My favorite place is a library. Surrounded by books is home.

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is cleaning out my closet and my computer. They're so cluttered and full of crap I don't need/use, but...ughhhhhh.

6.  The last thing I purchased was gas, a sandwich and Starbucks.  But those were all "necessary" - last fun purchase was pre-ordering Demetri Martin's book "This Is A Book"...or maybe it was a new portable hard drive and car mp3 player and screen thing for my iPad.  I don't remember what was first.

7.  The thing I love most about my home is how cute it is. Most people hate when their house is called cute because it's the nice way of saying it's small and cluttered, but...I love that my house is small and cluttered. It's loving and homey and filled with memories and artifacts and souvenirs of a life that means so much to me.

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Ok, two month recap: GO!

Dear blog,

I miss you. It has been entirely too long since we've seen each other, and I regret that. I really do. It feels like I'm missing my friend.

Really, it boils down to two reasons: winter and holidays. Christmas was fun and hectic, if not a bit strange. I worked for the first time ever during a Christmas season, which is something I most definitely did not enjoy. I had zero time and zero thought and it felt like a very incomplete holiday.

My office also had a holiday party of dune buggying and ATVing, in which I learned something about myself: I am a weak, weak, wuss of a woman. Really. I plan on blogging about it later.

The New Year was good as well, if not as stressful as Christmas. Worked again, but I did play a lot too. Went out with three of my girlfriends and met up with one of my work boys and his friends, which was an increeeeeedible adventure. None of them had met but each had heard so much of the other..I was incredibly nervous. But it worked out well!

Recently (as in, last weekend), I went to Big Bear! I was going to go snowboarding, but I am unfortunately sick so I decided not to - if I can't breath when I'm just sitting on a couch, i really shouldn't try to snowboard for the first time, either. But I did go sledding for the first time in my life, which was AMAZING. I was terrified because I hate steep hills that are basically drops...my bro's gf almost had to push the sled to get me to go down the first time, but i survived and realized that it's pretty damn awesome.  I still scream bloody murder every time I go down the hill, but I enjoy it at the same time, too.

There were 24 of us crammed into a cabin, by the way.  I brought one of my best friends, two works friends, and it was my brother, his friends, and their cousins.  So many people, lots of names and faces, plenty of beer, Taboo, sick germs, little sleep and a 10-year-old playing beer pong.  I'll tell more details later, but suffice to say it was one of the most chaotic weekends of my life.

And this past weekend I did something I've actually never done before in my entire life: partied three nights in a row. And holy everloving Lord am I paying for it now at work...ugh.  Friday was the belated office holiday dinner combined with the Good-bye Dinner of our departing coworkers (which makes me incredibly sad because he is one of my favourites) - we went to a Brazilian restaurant called Rei Do Gado, infamous for the waiters who walk around with all different types of meat on skewers and who will cut and carve directly onto your plate.  Fucking fab food, incredibly delicious, but I gave up after one plateful - so much, too much.  After we went to East Village Tavern Bowl, a bowling alley/sports bar, which was incredibly awesome.  I am a not-so-secret bowler, so that was fun to pull out on all my office men--and it was so much fun to just bowl, have some beers, and hang out.

After that, my two bosses left, so I was with the "young" men of the office--who promptly called up some of their guys and were like, "Ok guys, lets get our bar on!" And we bar hopped for the rest of the night.  And let me tell you, being the only girl in a group of 6 guys who are gettin' their flirt on...it's not as enjoyable as it would seem. Every single guy I was with is some sort of combination of super attractive, super charming, super flirty, super nice, and super outgoing.  So, they're all checking out girls and hitting on them and making obnoxious and obscene comments to me, no matter how kindly or how many times I had to remind them that while I appreciate their comfort around me, I AM NOT A GUY AND NO, I WILL NOT CHECK OUT THE GINORMOUS RACK ON THAT BLONDE BIMBO.  Fuckin' bros.

The upside was that I did happen to be with some of the more attractive men in the bars we were in, so lots of looks, lots of girls who gave me a jealous look, and the men all bought me drinks - I didn't pay a damn dime the entire night, and I had 3 shots of tequila, 2 shots of whiskey, and a boatload of beer. So...as much as I did not like being privy to the male mind that night, there were some benefits I can't deny.

Anyway. So that was Friday, and Saturday was one of my best friend's boyfriends birthday, so we went downtown to bar hop and celebrate; and Sunday was a girls night out that ended up featuring my work friend again and his friends.  It was super fun and we went to a Dueling Piano bar and I think I fell in love 25 times over with one of the piano players.  Once again, way more beer than I should have had, way more shots than I should have had, and so much fun.

....and that is the basic gist as to why I have been ignoring you, dear blog.  Forgive me <3

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A quick check in...with photos!

I'm sneaking on at work to post, but I just wanted to show a few pictures of an adventure I was "forced" to partake in.  Normally I don't post pictures of friends/IRL people, but I'll make an exception.  Please enjoy, and celebrate with me that I survived/am alive. [/dramatics]

My office men! (sans one, unfortunately)

The death traps. Or as otherwise called, an ATV and one of the dune buggies.

You can't tell, but I'm kind of terrified here.

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This post is basically a thinly disguised vent/emotional frustration dump.

Longest work week ever.  So much to do, so much done, but so much left to do.

I got mad at a coworker this week, which was the first time ever. I get frustrated with my work, I get angry at clients who call and yell at me for things outside my control, I have several slight irritations that will leave after a few deep breaths.  But this was the first time I was legitimately mad with my coworker.  And it was...not pretty.  It was mad to the point where I almost started crying because I just had no other way to release it.  I actually had to tell him to shut up for two seconds and to just go away, because looking at him was making it worse.

I haven't had that happen in awhile, and it's bad that it happened at work. I still think my anger was warranted, and no, I have not apologized.  But I recognize that it's a bad situation to get angry not only with someone who I share an office with and was assigned a task to complete with that day, but also because he is technically my "superior."  Have you ever called the person you're supposed to take direction from an asshole?  Because I don't recommend it.

I know that I'm sounding like a spoiled brat right now, and I get that it was not smart for me to do any of this.  But I really was just so mad.  He didn't help the situation because he kept repeating what was making me angry and kept picking at it over and over and over and was relentless.  Then he kept saying, "wow, you need a massage or something, calm down."  Do people seriously think telling an angry person to "calm down" helps?!

We're a small office, and despite the fact that he is my "superior," we are on pretty even terms. We work well together, we understand that the other has strengths and weaknesses that benefit the both of us, and up until that day, we've gotten along stupendously.  He didn't even get mad about me telling him he was being an asshole (because he knew he was) - apparently I just hurt his feelings.  He was pretty put out that I was mad, and he unfairly used the office doggie to finally get me to look at him and smile.

I hate fighting, I hate being angry.  We're fine, and no, my job is not in jeopardy.  But it was a terrible day, and even though I'm dwelling on it too much, I'd really like it to just be forgotten and in the past.

Moving along...

So, Christmas.  I wish I could post my calendar so you could all see how incredibly hectic this month is going to be, but I swear to God every friend I've ever had is popping out of the woodwork or going to be within 100 miles of me and wants to see me.  And don't get me wrong, that makes me happy and I want to see them, too--it's just crappy what with working full time now (yeah...I'm not getting into that) and having to shove in personal Christmas doings anyway.  Toss in drive times, at least 9 people who are coming in town and want to see me, my mom's upcoming birthday, another girl's birthday who insists on taking up 2 days to celebrate it, and the oddball decision of another friend choosing to throw a random party right in the middle of holiday season...I can't breathe just thinking about it.

It is, however, 3am now, and I should probably sleep since I'm going to be so ridiculously busy.  Contrary to how it seems, I do make good decisions--just not lately, apparently.


On #reverb10: I've never been one to post every single day. I just don't have the energy to do it, nor do I have the time to set aside every day to put up a post.  Plus, it's a bit overwhelming on the reader (in my personal opinion, anyway).  So, despite the fact reverb10 is a daily prompt, I'm most likely going to group chunks of prompts together.  And I will most likely put them on the weekends, towards a time when people don't quite read.  It's not that I'm trying to hide my responses, it's just that I'm mostly doing it for myself, as a reflection on a tough year to try to reconcile myself with it.  I don't need to overwhelm my readers with my personal woes every single day.

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My year in one word, and how batman's an asshole. (They're unrelated. Swear.)

If you're tapped into the blogosphere even a little bit, it's a high chance you've heard about #reverb10.  (If you haven't, click here!) The day has finally come: Prompt 1!

Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Ashley's 2010 in a word: brutal.

This year was rough.  I started the year unemployed, and everything seemed to fall apart from there.  I started to get down on myself as a potential employee--and when that situation didn't improve, it started to take its toll on the rest of me. I started to doubt myself, who I am, what I am to others...pretty much everything.

And then I got a job. And it seemed ok again  - until I realized that my unemployment was a factor to my depression, but not the reason.  There were so many things that didn't get better when I was hired; in fact, it made it worse. I started to lose faith in me, in my worth, in the others around me.  I started to feel like I'd never amount to anything, as though I was wasting everything. And then it turned to the fact that I felt like a colossal disappointment to anyone who had ever believed in me.

I don't really know the turning point, or if there really was one...but the feeling is fading. There are still a lot of things I'm unhappy about, and it does unfortunately outnumber the things I'm currently ok with--but what matters is that I'm feeling ok about things.  That I can still tell there's good in my life, that there are things I am happy with and grateful for and incredibly blessed to have and am hopeful about.

Which is really what I'd like next year to be about.  It just needs to have a bit of hope.

And on a sort of related but not actually note...we have a client named Bruce Wayne.  Like...really.  That's his name.  And his voicemail message is hilarious, because it's just so serious.  It feels as though he's in such a rush because he's just like "ThisisBruceWayneI'mnothereleaveamessage" and its so quick and businesslike and its like OH SHIT he's out saving the world!

We were pretty psyched about having Batman as a client for awhile...until he emailed us back the answer to our question. And it won't really make sense to anyone who isn't in my industry, plus the fact that it is kind of specific so I really shouldn't share it on a public blog - but let's leave it that he's a prick. His answer was so facetious and clipped and RUDE.  Completely uncalled for, and the only conclusion we can come to is that Batman is, unfortunately, an asshole.

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The State of Ashley - Mid(ish)-November Report

Was I the only one who didn't realize Thanksgiving is next week?  Because holy shit when the hell did that happen and where the fuck did my time go?!

Now that's out of the way...

So, I'm alive.  Barely, and I think my stress levels will take care of the pathetic pieces that are left of me, but for what it's worth...at least enough to put up a blog post!  Work has gotten absolutely insane, and I basically work full time (on minimum wage!  Totally fair. Sarcasm).  I actually even worked overtime today.  I don't discuss work in depth on here, but I work in the financial industry (let's all laugh about that since I had to cry in my AP calculus class in high school to pass.  That's real, y'all) and a good 90% of our clients' fiscal year ends sometime this month.  Therefore, they're all scrambling and stressed and getting all holleration yelly screamy shouty, and it, in turn, makes my life murderous super fucking awesome.

In addition to that...a second job is on the horizon.  Sort of.  It's mine if I want it, but...I don't think I do.  I'm not sure.  It's all really up in the air and I can't make decisions, so we'll leave it that last week, I worked a grand total of 70 hours.  And I felt like I was dying.  I was literally falling asleep anywhere I was, no matter the time or place or if I was standing or sitting or leaning.

So, naturally, NaNoWriMo was a bust.  Or at least...so far.  I stubbornly steadfastly refuse to admit defeat, partially because I have busted out mass amounts of word counts in a week, and mostly because I still think I actually can complete it.  But I currently sit at 5,894 words--and those were all done the first 3 days of November.  I still may try for something during the holiday break, but...it may fall to the wayside.  Which is unfortunate, but necessary.

Despite the fact that I apparently don't know how close it is to the holidays, I am super duper excited for Christmas season!  I am that obnoxious person who has Christmas carols already, and why yes, I have in fact watched Elf already.  I have yet to buy my first Christmas gift (Target was sold out of what I was going to purchase :(), but I have thought about how I'm going to decorate my house.  And my room.  And my office.  And I'm trying to plan my office holiday party...I just can't help how much I love it!

One thing that's been happening is a loooot of baking (which those of you who follow me on Twitter have found out)!  I've gone kind of cookie crazy, for some reason. It started that I saw a recipe that I really wanted to try, and then I found out I am going to be baking a lot for the holidays, so I figured...why not start now?  I've had two go-rounds with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and one with mint chocolate chip cookies.  Both of which were mighty successful with my office men, which made me astonishingly happy.  It's just nice when someone tells you your baking is "delicious" and you notice that they come out to your office for cookies.  Makes me feel all warm 'n snuggly (is that sad?  Don't answer that...).

I wish I could have blogged more this month, but I feel like I'm slowly making my way into a routine.  I'm going to attempt the #reverb10 prompt-given reflection on 2010 that's happening in December...we'll see if I can find the time to commit to it, but it's nice to have something to look forward to that will make me be around here more.  Especially since I miss all you wonderful bloggy friends so!

I have work in the morning, so I am off to bed...but more importantly, how are you all doing?

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This post is completely hypothetical. Except for the parts that are not.

You know what's really inconvenient?

Crushes.

Especially when they're superficial and dumb and they don't mean anything and they won't amount to anything (and you don't even want it to).

They're just incredibly distracting and time consuming and stupid.  Because I mean, let's say the crush is some dude from, oh I don't know, hypothetically let's say work and all of a sudden you're like "Oh crap, I have to care what the fuck I wear to the office because he might be in today" or you think "hmmm wonder if he'll be in today!" or "work blows and I want to kill myself but maaaaaaaaaaaybe he'll be in and I can ogle his attractive self and it will almost sort of be worth a second of it."

Hypothetically.

It's super frustrating knowing your crush is most likely due to circumstance and not real factors, that your attraction is mostly based on the what you think about him and not what you know, that you don't actually want to have anything with this dude but still get little flutteries in your stomach when he walks up to your desk and smiles and asks how your day is going.

I mean, if this were something other than hypothetical, of course.  Of course.

You do some good work convincing yourself that it's nothing, that you just like him as a person so it's cool when he's around and he's really no different from any of your other co-workers--and then it's all blown to shit when he comes striding into the office in that confident way with his freakin' adorable green hoodie and he gives you that little smile and asks "how are you?" with just the right amount of caring and actually listens to your answer, and then later in the day he'll stand with you at your computer and try to help you find some information you need and make you laugh and come hang out and stand talking with you when he's waiting for his slow ass computer to boot up.

I mean...hypothetically or whatever.

You continue to do good work since he's one of the traveling coworkers who is only in the office maybe 3 times a week, so when you don't see him for a string of 5 days and you don't even realize it's been that long until a client calls and asks for him and you hear his name and think, "Oh yeah, him...no he's not in the office at the moment, may I take a message?" you're convinced that you've finally gotten over this pointless, foundation-less schoolgirl crush...

...until he calls the office and you answer with your usual, "Thank you for calling [company name], this is Ashley," and he's like, "Hiiiii Ashley, it's [insert name of dude who I would have a stupid, stupid crush on if this weren't hypothetical and completely and totally made up], how are you today?" and suddenly those goddamn flutteries in your stomach wake up and you smile even though he hasn't said anything of worth and even though all you two do is talk about business and work-related crap you're still like weeeeeeeeeee I just talked to him!

Say it with me: hy-po-the-ti-CAL.

This is also incredibly inconvenient, because maybe one day he is in the office and the other four guys who are normally in with you both are gone on various meetings/lunches/appointments, so it's just you two and even though you're in separate parts of the office building he'll IM you through the office IM system and what starts as completely work-related discussion turns into witty banter and thinly-veiled maybe-flirting.  And then you realize what the fuck you're doing at work, with a co-worker, who you don't even know how old he is or where he's from or who he is really and you're like shit what has my life come to.

Dumb. Completely, totally dumb.  He's not even that attractive (because that's totally a deal breaker, y'all), and usually I question if he even likes me as a person at all.  Normally I get the feeling that I'm just another part to the day, a section of scenery that he sees but never processes, another face in an endless visual rolodex (can that expression even be used today?  Readers who are younger than 20, do you even get that?!).  I just feel like he sees me as that young, vaguely clueless girl who shares a building with him.

And then I start to wonder if I even like him as a person, because the few things I do know about him aren't exactly winning points with me.  We clash on a lot of beliefs, he runs marathons and freely says the words "calories" and "buff" and "burn", and eats chickpeas, and wears a puke green colored hoodie.

But then I remember that he is really nice.  And funny.  And smells fucking incredible.  And is helpful.  And he is really cute, in that sneak-up-on-you way.  And can dress up reaaaaaaaaaaaal well.  And invited me to his birthday celebration, even if I felt that was more a courtesy than a real invitation.  And was nice and offered to take a mushroom off a slice of pizza that was getting near me since he knows how freaked out I get by them.  And doesn't get all weird when I start talking football with them.


You know, this would all be a lot easier if I could just have a stupid, superficial, childish, foundation-less, pointless crush on the hottest guy in the office, because I know that even though he is smokin' hot and I'd probably let him do bad things to me because he is just that attractive, I still see that there is no real attraction to him and I'm mostly put off by the fact he sounds like the football player Kevin in Daria (no, really...).

Dumb.  So dumb. So, so dumb.

I mean...hypothetically dumb.  You know.

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