This post is basically a thinly disguised vent/emotional frustration dump.

Longest work week ever.  So much to do, so much done, but so much left to do.

I got mad at a coworker this week, which was the first time ever. I get frustrated with my work, I get angry at clients who call and yell at me for things outside my control, I have several slight irritations that will leave after a few deep breaths.  But this was the first time I was legitimately mad with my coworker.  And it was...not pretty.  It was mad to the point where I almost started crying because I just had no other way to release it.  I actually had to tell him to shut up for two seconds and to just go away, because looking at him was making it worse.

I haven't had that happen in awhile, and it's bad that it happened at work. I still think my anger was warranted, and no, I have not apologized.  But I recognize that it's a bad situation to get angry not only with someone who I share an office with and was assigned a task to complete with that day, but also because he is technically my "superior."  Have you ever called the person you're supposed to take direction from an asshole?  Because I don't recommend it.

I know that I'm sounding like a spoiled brat right now, and I get that it was not smart for me to do any of this.  But I really was just so mad.  He didn't help the situation because he kept repeating what was making me angry and kept picking at it over and over and over and was relentless.  Then he kept saying, "wow, you need a massage or something, calm down."  Do people seriously think telling an angry person to "calm down" helps?!

We're a small office, and despite the fact that he is my "superior," we are on pretty even terms. We work well together, we understand that the other has strengths and weaknesses that benefit the both of us, and up until that day, we've gotten along stupendously.  He didn't even get mad about me telling him he was being an asshole (because he knew he was) - apparently I just hurt his feelings.  He was pretty put out that I was mad, and he unfairly used the office doggie to finally get me to look at him and smile.

I hate fighting, I hate being angry.  We're fine, and no, my job is not in jeopardy.  But it was a terrible day, and even though I'm dwelling on it too much, I'd really like it to just be forgotten and in the past.

Moving along...

So, Christmas.  I wish I could post my calendar so you could all see how incredibly hectic this month is going to be, but I swear to God every friend I've ever had is popping out of the woodwork or going to be within 100 miles of me and wants to see me.  And don't get me wrong, that makes me happy and I want to see them, too--it's just crappy what with working full time now (yeah...I'm not getting into that) and having to shove in personal Christmas doings anyway.  Toss in drive times, at least 9 people who are coming in town and want to see me, my mom's upcoming birthday, another girl's birthday who insists on taking up 2 days to celebrate it, and the oddball decision of another friend choosing to throw a random party right in the middle of holiday season...I can't breathe just thinking about it.

It is, however, 3am now, and I should probably sleep since I'm going to be so ridiculously busy.  Contrary to how it seems, I do make good decisions--just not lately, apparently.


On #reverb10: I've never been one to post every single day. I just don't have the energy to do it, nor do I have the time to set aside every day to put up a post.  Plus, it's a bit overwhelming on the reader (in my personal opinion, anyway).  So, despite the fact reverb10 is a daily prompt, I'm most likely going to group chunks of prompts together.  And I will most likely put them on the weekends, towards a time when people don't quite read.  It's not that I'm trying to hide my responses, it's just that I'm mostly doing it for myself, as a reflection on a tough year to try to reconcile myself with it.  I don't need to overwhelm my readers with my personal woes every single day.

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My year in one word, and how batman's an asshole. (They're unrelated. Swear.)

If you're tapped into the blogosphere even a little bit, it's a high chance you've heard about #reverb10.  (If you haven't, click here!) The day has finally come: Prompt 1!

Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Ashley's 2010 in a word: brutal.

This year was rough.  I started the year unemployed, and everything seemed to fall apart from there.  I started to get down on myself as a potential employee--and when that situation didn't improve, it started to take its toll on the rest of me. I started to doubt myself, who I am, what I am to others...pretty much everything.

And then I got a job. And it seemed ok again  - until I realized that my unemployment was a factor to my depression, but not the reason.  There were so many things that didn't get better when I was hired; in fact, it made it worse. I started to lose faith in me, in my worth, in the others around me.  I started to feel like I'd never amount to anything, as though I was wasting everything. And then it turned to the fact that I felt like a colossal disappointment to anyone who had ever believed in me.

I don't really know the turning point, or if there really was one...but the feeling is fading. There are still a lot of things I'm unhappy about, and it does unfortunately outnumber the things I'm currently ok with--but what matters is that I'm feeling ok about things.  That I can still tell there's good in my life, that there are things I am happy with and grateful for and incredibly blessed to have and am hopeful about.

Which is really what I'd like next year to be about.  It just needs to have a bit of hope.

And on a sort of related but not actually note...we have a client named Bruce Wayne.  Like...really.  That's his name.  And his voicemail message is hilarious, because it's just so serious.  It feels as though he's in such a rush because he's just like "ThisisBruceWayneI'mnothereleaveamessage" and its so quick and businesslike and its like OH SHIT he's out saving the world!

We were pretty psyched about having Batman as a client for awhile...until he emailed us back the answer to our question. And it won't really make sense to anyone who isn't in my industry, plus the fact that it is kind of specific so I really shouldn't share it on a public blog - but let's leave it that he's a prick. His answer was so facetious and clipped and RUDE.  Completely uncalled for, and the only conclusion we can come to is that Batman is, unfortunately, an asshole.

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Fill-in-the-Blank Friday: Thanksgiving Edition

1. My Thanksgiving plans this year will include an incredibly large feast with my mom's immediate family at my aunt's house, my aunt's husband's family (which is always interesting since I went to high school with the sons and we did not run in the same crowd whatsoever), and a few of their neighbours.  30 of us total, I think?

2. My favorite Thanksgiving was all of them. I honestly don't remember too many distinctive ones...before I moved to the US, Thanksgiving was always a small occasion of just me, my brother and my parents.  It was lovely, but nothing entirely crazy.  Since moving to the US, it's always been a huge family gathering with the usual amounts of family insanity.

3. My signature Thanksgiving dish is pumpkin pie.  That's the only thing I am ever responsible for, and it is the only thing I want to be.  I love baking it.

4. My favorite Thanksgiving food is stuffing.  Always the stuffing.

5. Thanksgiving free association!   pilgrim hats, paper turkey cut-outs using a tracing of your hand, turkey, stuffing, yummy, pumpkin pie, holiday kick off, black friday shopping!

6. Thanksgiving is the official start of holiday music on the radio!

7. I am thankful for the abundance of love, respect and hope I am so blessed to have, from family, friends, coworkers, bloggy friends, even perfect strangers. I am thankful for the life I lead, for the life I have led, for the life I can and will lead.  I am thankful for the possibilities, for the certainties, for the uncertainties.

Happy Weekend, Everyone!

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