Pity party for one?

I've been really overwhelmed lately.  Which is weird, since my life doesn't appear that crazy, but I feel like I'm running a circle I was never meant to be in.  My head is getting the better of me and the only thing my heart can do is race.

I need a job.  I say it often, so much that it's hardly got any meaning now, but it remains the same. I'm a little bit terrified of re-entering the working world, maybe even doing the 40 hr workweek--but I know it's unavoidable, and it's not horrible.  I actually want it.  Now if only I could find someone who wants me, too.

I'm low on funds. Which is obvious, but I have bills to pay; most notably my school loans.  I was surprisingly sensible and aware when I lost my job last year, putting most of my last paycheck into my savings account.  And thankfully my parents have drilled money sense into me so I was already setting aside 40% of my income when I could.  But I have exactly two months left to sustain, and that's on the assumption nothing major comes up (fingers crossed) and that I don't go out with friends more than twice a month.  Shit's gonna get real, real fast.

I haven't written anything in months. I don't know if NaNoWriMo sapped me, or if it's the fact that my emotions decided they wanted to leave me numb, but there's been almost no creative outlet, and I feel like I'm about to snap.  Dynamite with a fuse and fire's a lifetime away.

I'm not even going to get into why this has been prevalent in my life, but it keeps coming back to me how lonely I am. And unfortunately, I do mean that in the romantic sense.  Usually, I'm fine being single. I don't hate it, I'm not bitter about it, and I don't think I'm any lesser.  I've been this way all my life, and generally, it suits me. I know that when the time comes for me to meet someone who can be that person for me, it will happen; and I have complete faith in that.  But there's been a lot of times recently where I wish I could go to someone for a hug and it would be given, no questions asked.  Whose hand I can hold as I walk down a street, for the simple act of being able to.  Who would hold me and let me have the freak out that's brewing, and go with me to the beach because I want to, and listen to me.  Who would talk to me, and give me a part of who he is and let me see him. I simply feel like I'm missing something important, and it makes me...sad.

My blog is stressing me out. I need to redesign it because there are elements I feel need to be there and some that I want there, but I haven't had the time. I'm still undecided on the new blog name, even though two weeks ago I was so sure, and now I'm doubting everything. I'm behind on "accepting" another award and I always feel so pathetic when I can't even promptly and properly thank the person giving it to me. I hate feeling guilty about being so behind on blog reading (current Reader unread count: 369), and even though I know we all know this isn't a job, I have no obligation to it...I just feel bad.  I want to give everyone the time they deserve, and I hate that I feel like I can't.

I feel like I'm being a bad friend because I haven't talked to so many of them recently.  Some get short updates, and one even got me to visit her new apartment, but I'm mostly keeping myself away.  And I don't intend it to be an offense against them, I don't mean it to be mean...I'm just feeling so fragile lately that I don't trust how I will be with them.  It's selfish (which only makes me feel worse), but I feel like it's best for now.  And unfortunately, I'm getting overwhelmed at the idea of having to reintegrate my life with them, because I can't explain my absence.

I wish I could be one of those people that say writing it all out helped and now I feel like a bit of the weight has gone away, but...it really hasn't.  I still feel like crying every moment for a whole mess of reasons, and I still feel like I have a huge boulder on my chest.  And I wish I could figure it all out.

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It's Been A Very Long Month. And, Ten on Tuesday! Volume 17

Life's been kinda crazy these past few days.  Not for serious reasons, there's just a lot happening since it's the start of summer and relatives come into town or friends are between jobs or are finally using their vacation time.  Highlights include:

• went to Downtown Disney and walked around.  I also got to see a set of relatives from NorCal who I don't see often, which was awesome since I love them and miss them a lot.
• got to go to Costa Mesa for a couple hours and hang out with Samra, one of my best friends who I will be forced to live without for over a year as she heads off to England.  I don't want to think about it.
• saw Kenny G perform.  Yeah, possibly the most random musical act of my life, but that's ok--my mom was incredibly excited and happy, and that's what counts.
• first official summer BBQ has happened!  And it was glorious and barbeque-y and I got a fake tattoo and blew bubbles.
• my parents celebrated their 29th anniversary.  It was lovely and filled with love.

This week is gloriously empty, though I'm really just going to be resting up for a filled weekend.  A friend's birthday, another friend's house warming, possible LA trip to see a few friends who I haven't seen in over a year--and if that LA trip happens another birthday celebration will be there--and whatever the family has planned.  You would think I had like...a life or something.

Head over here to link up!

1. What is the worst movie you have ever seen?
I remember trying to watch The Heartbreak Kid with my forever-roommate/best friend Mischa.  We struggled through about 40 minutes and gave up.  It's terrible!

2. Do you have a favorite Disney/Pixar film?
You can't possibly make me choose!  Toy Story for the sentiments sake...but I did love Monsters, Inc. and Up and Wall-E...GAH ok I love them all, I can't choose!

3. Do you have a favorite movie from the 80′s?
"Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."

4. Are there any movies you saw more than once in the theater?
My Big Fat Greek Wedding I saw twice.  I saw Finding Nemo twice. And in about 2 weeks I'll see Toy Story 3 for the second time.  I rarely see movies in theatres, much less multiple times.

5. What is one city/area of the US (or country you live if you do not live in the US) that you have not seen but would like to see?
I have a life's goal of going to every US state (I'm at 13 or 14 now), so everywhere is a potential answer.  But I am dying to go to Chicago, Seattle, Portland and NYC.

6. What are your favorite toppings on an Ice Cream Sundae?

Granola, a smidge of chocolate sauce...that's pretty much it.

7. How many proms did you go to? What color was your prom dress?
Only once, my own senior prom.  And I hate saying it, but my prom dress was bubblegum pink.  And I HATEHATEHATE pink!  It was one of the few dresses I loved that fit me and was flattering to my round figure...so I went with it.  I wanted the blue one, but they didn't have it in my size and if I ordered it, I wouldn't have time to get it tailored before the dance.  You win some, you lose some.  I had an awesome time at Prom so I don't really care.

8. Is there a sport or extra-curricular activity that you didn’t get to try as a child that you wish you would have? (e.g. gymnastics, piano lessons, ballet, etc.)
Hmmm...I always wanted to do photography, but pretty much everything else I wanted to do, I got to.

9. How many siblings do you have? Are you the oldest, middle, or youngest?
One older brother.  And yes, I am prototype youngest child--and I LOVE it.

10. Do you feel like you fit in with your age group? Or do you feel younger/older than your age group?
Generally, I do feel like your average 20-something-year-old.  I'm lost and looking and puffed up on aimless hope with some unconditional optimism and heartbreaking realism mixed together.  There are moments when I still feel like a child (living off your parents does that to you), and definite moments where I feel incredibly old (talking with college kids does that to you).  But I know who I am, and that's all of a 23 year old almost-woman.

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Because if I can't say it, at least I can write it on my blog in some weird passive-aggressive venting session.

I don't get angry often.  There are things that irritate me, there are things that frustrate me, but to get me really truly angry is difficult.  I like to think I'm pretty easygoing (usually), and I'm a pro at rationalizing and/or brushing things off.  I'm very "big picture" when it comes to negative emotions and I can easily compartmentalize most things into "this sucks, but it won't matter in this many hours, so just let it go now and we can move on."  And it works for me.

But one thing that definitely angers me is when people tell me to choose a different area of study if/when I return to grad school/continue my education.  My optometrist said it to me, a lot of friends, random strangers, and, most recently, at least 6 of my relatives at my family reunion suggested it to me.  Everyone says some sort of variation of "don't do journalism again, it's too hard for a career. Choose something broader that's easier to find jobs.  Like accounting/engineering/medicine/something math based!"

And it pisses. Me. OFF.

I do not choose my study based on its ease.  I do not model my life after something that will gain me the paycheck to support what you deem acceptable, or what this fucked up economy says will be the most profitable.  And I sure as shit do not choose what I study to satisfy some deep-seated need of yours that wants a lawyer in the family or will give you pride when you introduce me to your friend as "Ashley Blogger, MD."

I chose journalism because I --GASP-- like it.  I don't just like it, I happen to love it.  I adore this craft and want to hone the skills required.  It's fascinating to me.  It's something I enjoy.  It makes me happy. I get that it's difficult to be successful in this field, I get that it's pretty much luck and pure balls to make something of yourself within this industry.  I don't expect some six-or-seven figure salary, and I understand how much of a struggle this will be for the rest of my life.  It's not like some math-based study would be incredibly easy or something--I'm sure every single type of field and career will have its own difficulties and struggles.  I'm not going to become an engineer because you see more job listings for it and the income is higher--maybe some people can and will do that, but it does not work that way for me.

And besides...you really want the doctor diagnosing your illness or the engineer making your airplane or the person managing your finances to be someone who was forced into the job, who had to cry in front of her teacher to get a C in AP Calculus II in high school, who has absolutely no interest in that field?  REALLY?!

I'm not asking for these people to agree with my choice, I'm not asking for them to understand it or support it or come around to it.  But I would appreciate a little respect for it.  And if that's too difficult, I will take the thinly-veiled condescension masked as fake acceptance.  Anything to just make these people shut the hell up and stop taking shots at something I love and the way I've chosen to live my life.

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