How to make your optometry patient hate you.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


If you're an optometrist and find that your patients like you too much, want to talk to you or like being in your presence; and you want this to stop, then boy, do I have the list for you!  These suggested topics of conversation and/or blips of conversation to casually slide in are guaranteed to get rid of that pesky person who likes being in your office and doesn't mind giving you their hard-earned money (or at least their mother's).  If you say or do any mix of these next 11 suggestions, then you'll have yourself a patient who wants to rip her eyeballs out and throw them at you in no time!

1) As soon as she sits down in the chair, say, "Wow, haven't seen you in a long time!  I'm sure your vision is a lot worse now."
2) When making the inevitable casual conversation, ask your patient what she studied in school.  When she says, "Journalism", immediately reply with, "Oh, that's a dying industry."
3) Make casual jokes and thinly-veiled insults at the integrity of journalism.  Make sure to find out exactly what area of journalism she wants to go into, and say, "Magazine writer?  They're the worst!"
4) Clearly convey that while she and your nephew both went to the same university, he is superior because he received a BS in Computer Graphics and Media Design.  Laugh it off when she says, "You mean...he makes video games?" and repeat: "Yes, but computers."
5) Advise her that, in light of her unemployment, she should go to grad school, but make sure she chooses a major that is different from her BA degree since that obviously didn't work out for her.
6) Laugh when she says the line on the wall reads "L-O-F" when it actually reads "L-D-F."  Make sure to say "Well, that's obviously your bad eye!"
7) Keep asking, "You're sure the picture is blurrier here?  Really?  Are you absolutely sure?" then get irritated when she insists so.
8) After you write the prescription, hold the paper just out of her reach while you lecture her for a full 7 minutes (that she may or may not track by the clock on the wall behind your head) on the failing economy and various struggling career fields.  For shits and giggles, say "and journalism!" at the end.  Make sure to laugh.
9) When she mentions that she has experience in web design, quickly say, "Well at least that's almost useful."
10) As you hand her the prescription, say, "Congratulations!  Your irregular astigmatism defect has finally caught up with your dad's vision!  It's just as bad!"
11) Say, "Those don't work well, you know," when she reaches to put her glasses back on.  Shake your head when she puts them on anyway, even when she says, "It's much worse without them on."

And there you have it!  Just employ any or all of these, and you'll never see that patient again!


On a completely unrelated note, thanks, Dr. C.  It was a pleasure to see you again.  Also?  Fuck you, I'm going to Lenscrafters.

3 comments:

Another David March 24, 2010 at 6:28 AM  

Yeesh, I can't believe you wound up there in the first place. Definitely time for a new doctor

Rhiannon Nicole March 24, 2010 at 1:27 PM  

hahaha wow! I see some changes happening in YOUR future :)

EVA March 29, 2010 at 8:48 PM  

Haha, the Dr should be joyful that your vision is worse. Gives them business, no?

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