Search terms are funny things...

Happy Tuesday⁺, everybody!  Remember in this post how I mentioned that I had a goal to watch all the Best Picture nominated movies before the award show?  And that I was super awesome since I'd had a grand total of 2 out of the 10?  Well, I got to four!  FOUR!  That's ridiculous for me.  That means I watched 2 movies in a week--I rarely watch 2 movies in a month.  Accomplishment, kids: it feels good.

(For those wondering, my four were: Up, Up in the Air, The Blind Side, and An Education.  Highly recommend all of them.  I have a slight girlycrush on Carey Mulligan now, too.)

Anyhow.  So I was recently checking out my Google Analytics--can Google do any wrong?!--and looking at the search items that have led people to my blog.  The usual Charlie Brown-related things (HI PEANUTS FANS), the few related to David Sedaris (which I apologise to those who have searched that and are led to a post that also has Twilight in it), a few about unemployment from my early blogging days...but apparently, one of the biggest hits on my site is the post about how I was severely skeeved out by a man who had freakishly long nails.

I never realized how many people Google men with nails (or any variation of terms with "man" and "nails").  Apparently there's like an underground fetish going on, or something...maybe it's a lot of drug usage, I don't know.  Whatever the reason, I pretty much owe one-third of foreign page visits to my site to that specific group of people.  So thanks, odd group of people who apparently like and/or want a man with long nails!  I hope we never, ever date the same men.

And lastly, there was one more item on the search list that caught my eye.  Apparently, someone searched the phrase "How to Not Creep Out Guys."  I laughed.  And then I started to think about the person who searched that...do you generally creep out guys?  Were you searching for a friend?  Does that friend creep out guys?  Were you researching something for an article (if so, hello fellow journalist!)?  Were you trying to find an inner source to the psyche of men?

Now, I admit to being a bit of a people-person.  I'm not a doormat, but I like to deliver when something is asked of me.  And I don't want that person who doesn't want to creep out men (whether it is the person to search it or for that "friend" they searched it for) to be disappointed!  And maybe I'm sparing some men from being creeped out by a girl.  Two birds with one stone.

Without further ado, here are a few things I think you should avoid in order to not creep out men when you meet them*:

• Drooling.  Whether its at dinner, while in a dentist chair, making baby voices at your cute puppy, or when he walks into the room.  Generally, spittle down the side of a girl's mouth isn't deemed attractive, because if you can't keep that in check...well...who knows what else you can't keep under control.  Mainly your inner psychotic.
• Calling him 7+ times in less than 24 hours since you met him.  I know, I know--that's just annoying and clingy, but let me finish.  Don't call him 7+ times and leave him a whispered message each time detailing every infinitesimal thing you love (yeah, love) about him.  Because face it, that's weird.
• Anything that may result in some sort of fluid or excess leaving your body, from any orifice.  Sure, maybe the boy laughs at farts or doesn't mind belching, but when that gas turns to a solid (or, heaven forbid, a liquid)...that changes things.
• Pick at your toenails.  While out to dinner.  At a restaurant.  Sitting at the dinner table.  If you do actually do this, please keep on walkin' past this blog post, because I can't help you here.
• Talk about any products relating to your monthly lady times.  It freaks him out enough to hear period chatter, spare him the details about what caught the results of that one time your body decided to hate you by giving you a flow that rivaled Niagara Falls.
• Staring him while he sips his coffee at his favourite coffee drink from behind your newspaper for 5 hours, then following him as he runs his errands at the grocery store next door and darting behind shelves and displays and aisles when he gets a glimpse of you.  Also, this could get you arrested.
• Profess your undying love and devotion to the brilliant musical talent of Miley Cyrus/Vanessa Hudgens/Honor Society/insert-any-tween-Disney-Channel-star-here.  Go ahead and have your opinions, like the music you want (because who hasn't caught themselves humming that fucking catchy "Party in the USA" rift?), but saying you want to move to Malibu to live next to Hannah Montana who is just like SO real to you because she just like GETS you won't get you anywhere.  And if it does, I'm not sure you want to be with him anyway.

* all suggestions are void when in sexual situations.  I can't say firsthand, but I have a hunch all bets are off in that department.**
**also, what the fuck do I really know about men and what they really like or don't like?
⁺ I will not be doing Ten on Tuesday this week; and no, I will not say why.