A Month-Old Infuriation, or UGH.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

During our Christmas Eve celebrations, one of my little cousins (I guess I shouldn't call him 'little' since he's 17 now, but he's always going to be that gangly 10-year-old to me) brought his girlfriend to meet the extended family.  Chaos ensued.

First, my relatives are...um...how to put this nicely?  We're relentless.  We are nosy, we are kind of rude, and when we want to know something, we stop at nothing to know.  I mean, I knew VarsityB (as I shall call him) and his girlfriend were in for a tough night when I took literally two steps into the house and was accosted by my 70-something-lola (VarsityB's grandma) with: "VarsityB brought his girlfriend you need to find out what's going on go talk to her!"  And she actually shoved me in her direction.  I think that explains us very well.

VarsityB and the girlfriend didn't really handle it well.  I mean, I know it's rough to deal with an interrogation, but you can at least be graceful about it.  His girlfriend refused to speak, and VarsityB just darted his eyes around the room and said, "Uhh...I don't know..."  Please, yes you do know how long you two have been together.  It shouldn't take fourteen people and 2 hours of asking to learn you've been together a month and a half.  You're really only making it harder for yourself.

Dinners at relatives' houses are not like the movies.  There's far too many for all of us to sit at one table nicely together, so we all simply spread out around the house and eat wherever we can find space to park our asses.  Or even just wallspace to stand.  But I found myself on the couch in the living room, and on the loveseat was VarsityB and his girlfriend.  I got to spend my entire meal watching them curled up into each other (hello, inappropriate: you're at a family function, don't be practically making out on the couch the entire time!) and trying not to vomit.

But I almost lost it when I saw...he was cutting her meat.

I was horrified.  I'm pretty sure there was a double-take.  Perhaps a triple- or quadruple-take.  I dropped any and all formalities and flat out stared at them, making sure I was seeing it right.  And yeah, I was: VarsityB was cutting up her meat into small, manageable pieces while she just sat there and watched him.  I even checked to make sure it was her meat (since they were sharing a plate, naturally)--and it was.  He handed her the fork after he was done, she kissed him and started eating it.


What self-respecting woman in this century lets her man cut her meat?!  If you have two functioning hands, you damn well better cut your own fucking food.  Hell, even if you only have one I'm sure you can manage it.  When she wasn't lip-locked with my cousin, she was texting on her phone, so she obviously has the motor functions needed for slicing food.  I understand perhaps all the texting tired out her hands, sure, I get it.

But VarsityB, boy, you are not off the hook either.  What kind of pompous asshole man lowers himself to cutting his girlfriend's meat?  Don't you feel a bit...used?  Kind of like her servant?  Somehow, the picture of her reclining on a chaise in a long ballgown while you stand over the chair in a tuxedo holding out grapes for her to eat enters my head.  Don't you think you should give your girlfriend a little more credit?

Ugh.  Obviously, this entire scenario still irks me out since it's been almost a month since said incident occurred, but really...I couldn't believe it.  I mean, does that really happen?!  Evidently so, but...I can't...it's just...how...



Vivian January 16, 2010 at 2:39 AM  

Is this real life? Because...what? no.

Suburban Sweetheart January 18, 2010 at 8:28 PM  

Oh, this is AMAZING. And... traumatic. What the hell is wrong with them?

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I'm fairly obsessed with penguins, Peanuts (the comic), and the TV show Friends. Parentheses may or may not be (over)used in this blog, and books will pretty much be the only thing I ever talk about because they are my One True Love.


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