An Explanation

(Anyone else see the title and think An Education? Brilliant movie. One of my favourites.)

So, here's the reason it's been so depressing 'round these parts here: it's the Holidays.

I know, I know. REVELATIONS. It's just...the severest bout of Holiday Blues I've ever stumbled into, and I'm clawing hard to get my way out. It's been a wide culmination of all points of my life, so let's hit these one by one, shall we?

1. I'm single. And yes, of course this is a big one. Most days, I'm fine with it - I have faith that my life will work out how it's meant to, and apparently I am not meant to have someone right now. But it's the holidays, and all around me are cutesy couples buying gifts and holding hands and dancing in the snow (well...I mean...the San Diego equivalent. So going to the beach).  It doesn't help that I am literally the only single girl in all my local friends right now. Every female I know has a boyfriend and/or is in a a very serious committed dating route that should really just be called A Relationship because I don't get what they're scared about, but whatever not my relationship...  I mean...what?  Yeah.  Like right now, as I type this, this couple picked up their Coffee at the bar in Coffee Bean and she had her finger hooked into his back belt loop. And as they walked off, she eventually let go because she was reading something and lagging, and he just reached back and took her hand and waited and it was so cute and second nature it just makes my heart yearn and feel empty. I have so much love and hope and support to give to someone, and there's no one there to receive it.

2.  I'm broke. I get that it was my choice to leave my job, as well as my choice to not actively search for the time being - but the money strain is tight. I budget well and budgeted my remaining money well so I'm not quite struggling, but naturally this holiday season cost more than planned so I'm getting a bit scared for the oncoming months and paying my bills and those few months I'll probably still not be employed.

3. I gave up on my NaNo Novel. Well...it's a bit stalled right now, and I haven't found my way back to it yet. I currently sit at 92,487 words, written in 45 days. That's a feat.  And now I think I'm going to shelve it, because I can't find anything worth saving. I figure I just need a break from it, so I'll go back once a few weeks pass - but it's still sad to see something beloved fall to the wayside.

4. Family. Without too many details, the Holidays inevitably mean seeing family, and trust me when I say mine is exhausting.  They're numerous and loud and in your face and let's just say...we don't have a lot of the same values. They're uh...well. They're on the Right side of things, shall we say? And I am not. And I can't tell you how much flack myself and a few others in the family get for it and how often I feel like I'm being personally attacked.  PLUS, I'm overweight - we know this. And if I get that stupid Side Eye one more time I'm grabbing a dinner roll, I swear to God I'm going to flip a table.

5. I'm single. This repeats itself because of another reason: I hang out with mostly couples. It is not uncommon for me to be the 5th, 7th, 9th, and on one horrid occasion, the 15th wheel. And that's all well and good, I'm happy for all the happies (marginally), but I get to become the unofficial photographer/single-girl/tie-breaker because of it, and let me tell you, it is not fun. Having to play photographer to all the couples who want pictures in front of the beautiful Christmas tree is just one more reminder that I am alone. And then when we're riding rides or things get paired up or we have to partner...well. It's just one more reminder that among all those who love me, I'm still second to someone.

6. Remember this post, about a friendship let go?  Well...it hasn't gone as far as I thought. And it's still stupid and complicated and I hate that it's making me much more sad than I think I'm willing to accept.

7. I'm listening to Adele's Someone Like You. I mean, c'mon.

8. Ever feel like you're just...floating in an abyss? It's like you're caught between the ups and downs, so close to action or adrenaline, but you're just...stuck. And waiting. And a little bored, and mostly just feeling worthless?  It's been about 2 weeks of this, and I have yet to figure out a way to climb or fall.

9. I miss people. I'm currently finishing up my Holiday cards, and I'm sending out 25 cards - 24 of which are real, non-blog friends who I no longer live near. That's more friends than I currently do have near me. And I miss these people so much that it actually hurts some days.

10. I love the Holidays. I always have. It's cheer and lights and that unfailing faith in the good of all people and showing love. But I just...for some reason, I'm not into it this year. Something grand is missing, and no matter how many trees I put up, lights I string, gifts I wrap, times I watch Elf, or carols I sing, I can't fill the hole that's unwittingly fit into my being.

I understand how lucky I am right now. Reading through this post, I feel like the most ungrateful tosspot in the world. I have friends and family who antagonize me out of love, and a house and money and a means to buy gifts and the health to be sitting in a Coffee Bean whining to the Internetz. And I'm clinging to that.

But sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough to rid your blues.