a picture is worth a thousand words.

What do you do with the pictures of memories you want to forget?

That sounds incredibly girly and angsty and like something a 16-year-old would scrawl across a photo of a girl looking out a window (wearing a cute outfit, of course) with her hair hanging down blocking half her face and post on tumblr or weheartit or something.  But I'm actually serious.

When I moved back home, I managed to somehow misplace every single photo album and picture I'd had with me at college.  And I used to be a biiiiiig picture taker, so that means I lost 5 filled photo albums and about 4 massive envelopes stuffed with pictures.  It was almost 2000 prints, somehow hiding somewhere in my room.

I found them the other day, which was awesome since one was an album from my Europe days and a bunch from my last year of college.  But three of the envelopes are filled with roughly 800 photos from my first year of college.  And I know I'm always elusive about that time of my life, but really...it wasn't good.  Every day is a struggle to get past the residual issues, to understand and accept and learn from what happened.  But every day is also a terrible little dip back into a place I never want to go again.

Part of me wants to keep the pictures.  Store them away so that some day, in the hopes that eventually when I do see them again, I'll be able to look back, maybe smile at some of the good times (few as they were, they were there), and know that I'm finally, finally ok.  Part of me holds onto the fact that as painful as it all was, they are a part of my life, and it was documented for a reason.  That maybe I'll see the happy times in the photos and be able to focus simply on those, and not of what happened around these times.  Those photos used to represent what I thought was the best year of my life (until...), and I can't just forget that they used to be really treasured to me.

But at the same time...I don't really want to be reminded of it.  Everything is seared into my brain anyway, the memories will always be there to torment me ever so slightly.  I don't need the pictures to act as physical evidence.  Seeing me laughing, being group hugged by a group of boys in my dorm only makes me see the calm before the storm, only serves as a way to emphasize just how deeply they all disappointed and hurt me.  I can't see the pictures of me and the girls in our Halloween get-ups without seeing the terrible people they turned into.  The photos are one more way that year will haunt me.

One of the few photos from that time I still love. This kid never hurt me <3  And I swear I do not normally take photos like such an idiot, he goaded me into it!

Now I don't know what to do. I'm really bad at throwing away pictures, by the way.  I don't know what it is, but something about photos is really sentimental and sweet and special to me.  Even if sometimes they don't remind us of the greatest times, they still mean a lot to me.  I mean, seriously, when my house was evacuated for all the wildfires that ripped apart my beloved little suburb back in 2007, I directed my family to take 2 things from my room: the binder that holds all the letters my dad sent me when I was ages 2-4 and he was away on the ship, and the two boxes in my closet that held my elementary school journals and all the photos from my entire life.  Family, writing, and memories--that's my life.

So, do you toss photos?  Can you just let them go?  Do you believe in hanging onto them for the sake of it?

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A little bit of documentary love.

Lately I've been really into watching documentaries.  I felt like I was getting into some little-known subculture and first, got scared that I was getting too hip for my own good.  But then second, the very same day that I realized I was getting into documentaries, Joanna at A Cup of Jo made a post about her favourite docs.  And I realized if one of the most popular blogs on the internet discusses docs and then garners 224 comments of documentary recommendations...I'm not suddenly privy into some super secret underground club.  In fact, I'm pretty much boarding the trendy train as it happens.

But I don't care, because holy shit this new interest has opened up so many freakin' frakkin' windows!  Or DVD boxes, in this case.  I read through most of the comments on Joanna's post so I could get some recommendations as to what to watch...let's just say, it's going to take me a little time to get through 120 documentaries.

The ones pictured at the top of the post are the ones I've watched in the past week, and I decided to do short 1-line reviews of each.  I've also linked each title to its respective trailer, if you wish to find out more.
No Impact Man: Despite the fact I am most definitely not on the forefront of green, sustained living, this one definitely made me consider my own life as I was completely entertained by this family and their dynamic.  Recommended.
Frontrunners: Following the high school student elections at the most prestigious public high school of New York City, I was surprisingly drawn into each of the featured kids and who they turned out to be--and I actually found I was eager to know who would win! (Which is strange, since I didn't even care about my own high school's student elections.)
Mad Hot Ballroom: The cutest, most adorable children ever, ballroom dancing through school programs at the ripe age of 11 and 12 working towards a trophy from the city-wide school ballroom competition; I really don't think you could find the most open, eager and honest subjects anywhere else, and I loved watching them all interact (tell me, would you have wanted to hold the waist/hand of a boy/girl when you were 11?).  Highly, highly recommended.
Radiant City: Perhaps it's because I myself currently live in the suburbs, I found this documentary about suburban life and the culture it creates to be extremely skewed and not at all fair; even the "twist" towards the end, while interesting, did not win me over in the least--in fact, it made me like it even less. (I did, however, love the boy in it.)
Spellbound: There's nothing I could really say about this film to properly express how amazing it is; highlighting seven regular kid's lives who participate in the National Spelling Bee, you would never think words and spelling could become such a lesson and moral theme to a life.  Could not recommend more.
Helvetica: Though I'm not sure people who aren't typography/graphic design nuts will enjoy this, I found it incredibly interesting and really made me want to notice the things around me more.  Recommended for the artist in all of us.

I'm looking forward to watching more, and this may become something of a recurring thing if my interest stays.  Anyone else really like documentaries?  I'm open for suggestions!

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Not too much writing for today...

How about some super-duper exciting images from my day?!

 Milk chocolate vanilla cupcake my brother's girlfriend bought me! Not normally a big Sprinkles girl, but I still enjoy this.

Book I am currently reading. The author is an alumni of my college! And is incredibly nice in real life. And a brilliant, talented writer.  And really hot.  You know, priorities.

I thought I'd show you where all your bloggessa's work happens. Yup, sitting cross-legged on the living room couch.

Because this is my real desk in my room. Currently non-functional except as a drop off point. And you can see my HP bag from Comic-con last year!

I use Christmas stationary year round because it's just so darn cute! Designing a Header for a website I'm working on.  Excuse the crappy rushed handwriting, and obviously I need to work on my spatial planning...

Finally got my Print Screen button to work; was testing it on my desktop so I figured I'd put up the picture. This is incredibly cluttered, in my opinion.  Click for the larger version, if you would like to see my attempting-to-be-funny comments.

The current soundtrack to this blog post.  Yep, that's all Glee music.

All those blue labels?  That's all blog comments/emails I need to get back to.  Sincere, sincere apologies!  Click for larger version if you want to snoop my inbox (which, really, who wouldn't?) and see the thousands of tabs I have open pertaining to grad school and research.  And why yes, I do indeed have a Big Bang Theory themed Firefox!

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blackberry-less but still having a lovely time. with a bloggy award, too!

I was trying to find a pic of my phone to put in here, but then I ran across this and became obsessed with the straw and had to post it.  It still counts because there's a BB in the picture!

01. My BlackBerry has met its end (insert extreme sad face here).  We're not actually sure if it has officially died; there's a chance it's just the battery, but two of the three test batteries we managed to procure did not work.  So, new battery is being shipped, and come Monday I shall know if my BB has returned to me.  On a related note, did you know neither Best Buy nor AT&T sell BlackBerry batteries in store?!  What is wrong with them??  Verizon does, but at the lovely cost of $40.  Um, that's literally quadruple the amount of the replacement phone I'm using (I actually mean literally.  And before people go on accusing me of having such a cheap phone, hey man...it's the family spare, and so far it's held up for at least 2 years total time of use.  That's more than my BlackBerry did).

02. I am watching Bring It On (thanks USA channel for airing turn-of-the-millennium movies!)and still laugh that my high school's cheerleaders are in it.  Their part is so comical to me (even though it's really not).

03. One of my local libraries had a large book sale these past 3 days and it has been detrimental on my bank account.  But how could I possibly turn down books for 50 cents or $1?!  Five new books have been acquired at my house for the fee of $4.50.  And I may go back tomorrow. And yeah, $4.50 is classified in my world as "detrimental to my bank account."

04. Remember the two outfielders mentioned in my Shadowed By A W(ang) post?  In an odd coincidence, I ran into both of them yesterday!  Not surprisingly, both were smoking at the time.  But I have to say, it's kind of nice to know some things don't change.

05. My mother and I spent 3 hours reading on a couch in Borders, and it was an absolutely lovely time.  We also thumbed through a "What Your Birthday Says About You" book for shits and giggles, and it was a surprisingly accurate account of us (plus my dad and brother).  I'm not saying my mom and I really do believe in astrology and numerology and all that stuff, but...when I hit on you and ask hey baby, what's your sign, I probably actually want to know.

06.  Saturday is my grandfather's birthday: Happy Birthday Grandpa!  A celebratory birthday dinner is happening at my grandparent's casa, so I get to see my family again.  This may be more of the extended family though, so it should be...weird.  12 people is manageable, but when it extends past 20, it gets kind of crazy in the house.  As entertaining as my aunts, uncles and other cousins are, I'm not sure I'll be in the mood to handle it all.

07.  Lastly but never least, the amazing Tasha has given me a bloggy award!  I implore you to check out her blog; I remember the first time I ran across it, I immediately saw pictures of books and yummy pizza and then a whole post devoted to the Google logos (which I happen to love as well!  Did we all see the interactive Pac-Man logo for yesterday? So awesome).  I mean, if that is not entirely endearing and an instant follow, I don't know what is.  And ever since, I've grown to love her even more.

The award also dictates that it has to be passed along to 12 people, but I've seen the award on others' blogs and the number seems to change.  So, because I'm lame like this and did this for the other award so nicely given to me, I'm deferring passing along until I can properly interact in the blogosphere again. 

And secret sneak-up number 08. Happy Weekend everyone!  I hope it's absolutely fantastic :)

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A Blurb of Absurd

Setting: afternoon, Public library check-out desk. An older lady is rummaging through her purse, a County Library card sitting on the desk in front of her.

Old Lady: why the hell do I need two cards for the library?!
Librarian: This one is a County Library card, we're the Public library.
Lady: So what?
Librarian: We split from the County Library years ago, we're not the same as them.
Lady: So why can't you use my card?
Librarian: We're two separate businesses.
Lady: I still don't get the big deal, why do I constantly need so many cards?
Librarian: This County Library card does not work with ours.  We are on two completely different computer systems.
Lady: That's not an answer.  That's a fact, and I would like an answer.

...the world is a grim, grim place when library cards become a source of anger.

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I never did a Mother's Day post

I mentioned that Mother's Day was lovely, but I never really said much about it. And I still won't, but I needed a small post for today as I have several thousand (perhaps an exaggeration, but I'll never tell) errands to run.

Brunch was had at Il Fornaio, a fancy Italian restaurant on the island of Coronado.  We got to have a private room in the back of it restaurant since we were 12 people (all my mom's immediate family), which was beautiful since the windows look out into the bay.  After we all went shopping together, which was interesting because I've never gone with my larger family.  Seeing my mom with her sisters is funny, since I rarely get to witness the sisterly dynamic.  I mean, she's a mom, not a sister!  We finished the day with just my parents, my brother and littlest cousin (he's 9) playing a few games of bowling, which was awesome.  I've been bowling since I was 4, and we used to go every single Saturday for 3 years so it was nice getting back to it.  Now it happens maybe once a month, but I love it still.  I'm a bit rusty, and I'd be lying if I said my bowling hand wasn't sore at the end, but nothing beats the sound of pin action, ball returns, and the utter disappointment when my dad still beats all of our scores.


And of course, I can't do a Mother's Day post without mentioning how fantastic my mom is. Of course I think she's the best mom in the entire universe, and I would fight to the death defending it.  There's nothing I could ever say to properly or accurately describe just how wonderful she is; so suffice to say, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have her in my life.  There's no one else I'd rather scare me to pieces with a jack-in-the-box.

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A shortened list of all the crap I tried to blog about this week, but for some reason or another could not. Also, fill in the blank friday!

This is literally the 7th post today that I've tried to write.  If my "Prnt Scrn" button worked, I would totally screencap my Posts and show you all the drafts created.  I don't know why, but I can't seem to form cohesive blog posts; they all start, but then the middle gets fuzzy and tangents start, and then my trusty sarcasm and usage of italics comes in...it's just not pretty.  So what do I do, since I want to make a blog post?

A list, of course!  Did you know some people find lists a turn off?  I've read that some people find it to be a "cop out" post, or that they're ugly, or somehow it's just plain annoying.  Well, suck on this, list-haters, because my blog, my rules, and you can just as easily click that pretty red "x" in the tab or browser or hit "Mark As Read."

(But please don't, because I love all my readers, I swear.)

A List of Things Ashley Tried To Blog About, But Somehow Could Not Finish.
- A certain guy has reappeared in my life, again.  He's a friend, and there's no terrible horrible backstory about him screwing me over or anything of the sort.  He's a great guy, we're just...open-ended, in my opinion, and it's frustrating and annoying that he refuses to let it close.
- Trip to Orange County was relatively successful!  It was The Great Mall Tour of Orange County or something, because I managed to hit up 4 malls in 2 hours.  Including a stop for lunch with two friends, driving time, and one stop at a friend's apartment.  Badass, y'all.  Bad. ASS.
- My best friend from Italy got married on Monday.  I'm very happy for him and his new wife, it's just very strange to picture the boy who used to tug my hair every class period and say "ding dong" as a real man, with a real wife, and a real life.  Very strange.
- Three more engagements have happened this week.  I get that it's wedding season and summer and love and woo! but seriously...please stop.  And as happy as I am for you all (really), I don't need tri-hourly updates via facebook/twitter about your wedding plans, how awesome your fiance is, how happy you are, how pretty your ring is, how it went telling your family, etc.  Please God just make a damn wedding blog and stop cluttering my feeds and spare all of us who do. not. care.
- My library book has been classified as "In Transit" for literally 17 days now.  REALLY, San Diego Public Library?!  Because I could have driven down to Kearny Mesa to get it 17 THOUSAND times by now.  I just want to know how the series ends!  And related to library, my mystery hot library man seems to have disappeared.  Oh fleeting almost-summer-love-but-really-he-was-just-hot...I miss you.

And I usually have a "policy" of not doing two memes in one week, but I wanted to do this one, too, so...I'm just a breakin' all the rules today!

Go here to link up if you participate!

1. The very best thing about summer is laying out on the beach with a good book and good friends, dipping your toes into the cold water and immediately going to happy hour at some mexican food joint after, basking in the suntanned afterglow. And, cold drinks on hot days.

2. My first crush ever was Damien Rezendez in first grade. I would say Scott from kindergarten, but he asked me to marry him first so I think I just liked him because he liked me.  I chased Damien on the playground in Belgium and gave him a kiss on the cheek (which I promptly got in trouble for). I never went through the "ew boys have cooties" phase.

3. This may sound really silly but I'm currently watching an old rerun of Whose Line Is It Anyway? and I'm enjoying it.

4. I squeeze my toothpaste from the center. I know, it's terrible.

5. My absolute favourite "comfort food" is siopao. It's the Filipino version of the steamed bun, lots of Asian cultures have their own variation.  There's just something about the warm bread with yummy meat inside.

6. A random fact about me is that I cover my ears when I flush a toilet. I find the sound to be one of the most terrible noises on earth.

7. The one piece of technology that truly makes my life better and I could not live without is my iPod. Music I love at any time of day anywhere I happen to be.  I lose my phone for days on end without notice, but if I misplace my iPod I think my heart stops.

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My life is shadowed by a W(ang).

Every time I leave my house, I get to relive my High School experience.  My house is situated right next to the HS I went to, and it is literally unavoidable since I live on a cul-de-sac (how California) and can only exit one way.  Now, unlike most people, I loved high school.  I had a set place, great friends, was doing journalism and everything I loved (with the small exception of AP Calculus), and the good far outweighed the bad.  Reliving it isn't bad for me.

Except for one thing.  Unfortunately, one of the parts of the school I do see are the lower baseball fields (yes, my school had upper and lower fields), and it is the one place that makes me cringe.  Everything else I've managed to get over, but one thing will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I don't normally talk about this, but I'm hoping for some kind of release therapy to take effect in that once I talk about it more, it will lose its hold over me.

In 9th grade, my PE class was in the baseball unit.  I'm not a bad baseball player; I grew up watching and playing, I was the resident power hitter for my Parco in Italy, and I have (had?) a decent arm.  I was placed in right field because I don't have the reflexes for infield and I'm pretty good at catching pop fly balls.  The rest of my outfield was worthless because they were high.  Seriously.  Our center fielder was at the back of the field smelling roses (I am not making this shit up), and our left fielder decided he was tired and sat down, cross-legged, in the middle of the field (again, I'm a great story teller, but this is real).  Inevitably, someone hit a ball to left field, Sean watched it bounce past him, and then he just stared.  The entire team was hollering at him to go get it, but he just sat there.  He tossed his mitt in the ball's general direction though, so...effort?

Anyway. Long story cut short, our first baseman was an asshole.  In the interest of not revealing who said asshole is, his name wasn't Dustin, but it was that name if you replace the "D" with a "J."  And his last name starts with W, and ends in "ang", and yeah, I'm going to be haunted for the rest of my life by someone's whose last name is Wang and is also a colossal dick (ZING!)

For some godawful unknown reason to me, not Dustin but with a J "I'm a dick just look at my name" W(ang) starts hollering at me to go get the ball.  I'm deep into right field, why the fuck am I going to go get it?  The ball is so far gone the hitter was rounding third and the other players on the other field right next to us already had it and could toss it back to us.  I just stood there, partly because I was right and mostly to piss off JDustin.  The other field was very kind and tossed back the ball, except it landed in center field.  Since center fielder was still smelling the roses, my coach very nicely asked me to retrieve it since the rest of my team was worthless (his wording, not mine!).  So, like the good student I was, I hustled off to get it.

Well, apparently I was not hustling fast enough because Justin starts yelling at me to hurry up.  I toss the ball back infield, and as I'm going back to right field, I hear Justin joking with our second baseman and our pitcher: "That fat bitch coulda got it done faster if she'd just lost a hundred pounds. Maybe then she'd be good looking. Watchin those chopsticks bounce in her hair, she needs some damn Slimfast!"

...yeah.

I've always been a big girl.  All my life.  I've been an early developer, which is why I had all my wisdom teeth by the time I was 13, "become a woman" (Google it if you need to, but if you do, you're probably a boy with no sisters) by 5th grade, and have been 5'3" since the 4th grade.  I'm not morbidly obese, though my BMI does classify me in the "obese" category.  I'm...the small of the large, is the way I always say it.  And it holds true, in terms of shopping: I'm sliiiiiightly too big for the normal stores, but I'm too small for the plus-size stores.  It's incredibly frustrating, to be honest.

But the thing is, I've never really been bothered by my weight.  Obviously I know the health risks and in that way, I'm bothered.  But in terms of self-esteem and being uncomfortable...it's not been that bad.  I hit the usual bouts of doubt, but nothing horrid.  I've always been confident in my non-weight-dependable abilities (few as they may be)...sure, I couldn't trade clothes with friends, but I was always able to do all they were able to do.  I liked boys, boys liked me.  My more-than-average weight has never given me more-than-average problems.

Until that fateful baseball day.

And every day, I get to walk/drive by the place it happened, and every day I feel that same soul-crushing, gut-wrenching deflation of spirit, just a little bit.

Nowadays, it doesn't affect me as much as it did, and I've since reconciled with a lot of the demons that stupid boy created.  Everything isn't perfect, but...it's getting there, and I guess that's what matters.  Since that day, there has only been one minor setback, but they were stupid college frat boys in a bar--kind of discrediting in itself.  I don't mean to talk about this in hopes of pity comments or "woe is me" or fishing for compliments.  I just...while I was walking today, I got to walk past it all again, with the added bonus of being amongst high schoolers since the last bell had just rung.  I saw a boy throw a full gatorade bottle at a girl's car, splashing it with orange sticky grossness and laugh when she got out of the car to yell at him.  I walked past a group of 5 high schoolers and heard one boy call the other a "Mexican ass", while the other watched me walk past and I hear him say, "See that girl walkin'? I bet I could get a hot ass like that easy."  Which makes no sense since I have the flattest non-ass ever, but...you know, whatevs.

All I'm saying is...high schoolers can be cruel, and sometimes it stays longer than we want.  But eventually it fades, you realize the best, and really...I can lose the weight but he'll always be an asshole.  And at least my last name can't be substituted for "dick."  So there's always that.

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Ten on Tuesday! Volume 14

I am spending the day back in Orange County, so I have quickly whipped up this week's Ten on Tuesday; regular/normal posting to resume Wednesday or Thursday!

1. What was your high school superlative (if you didn’t have one- what would it have been)?
Unless they have one for Most Invasive/Probably Knows Your Biz-niss (Even If You Don't Want Her To), I probably wouldn't have gotten one.  I was the journalism girl, and happy as it.  A couple handfuls wrote me in for Best Hair, but that's just because it was ridiculously long.

2. What sports did you play in high school?
HA--oh, I'm sorry, I was imagining me moving and being active.  Sure. Believe you me, sports played zero part of my life unless I had to edit an article concerning one of them or write the Athletes of the Month feature.

3.  What was the best part about your wedding (if you’re not married yet, what are you looking forward to)?
I'm kind of...not a girl. Because I don't think about my wedding.  I have a drafted post about how up until a year or so ago, I didn't even think I'd get married.  There are lot of details about weddings I like, but I don't really ever think or plan mine.  I know a lot of girls who pretty much have all theirs done with just Insert-Groom-Here left, but...meh.  Seriously, if it ever happens, I love decorating and planning decorations.  I'm sure I'll be driven absolutely batty with all the details, but I look forward to conceptualizing the theme/decor.  YEP, of all wedding things, it's that.  I can tell you I'm not looking forward to writing vows, because I'm way wordy and can't be concise for anything. (As evidenced by this response.  Sigh.)

4. It’s your last meal– what Appetizer, Soup, Salad, Entree and Dessert would you choose?
Shoot man, that's depressing.  Um...in order: authentic bruschetta, no soup (bleh), caprese salad (IT COUNTS), pizza margherita (the authentic, legit Italian kind, not this sorry American excuse for pizza), and a simple Liege Waffle from Belgium (NOT to be mistaken for a Belgian/Brussels Waffle).

5.  What song is your guilty pleasure?
Only one? Oh Lawd...I have an entire playlist called "Be Ashamed" for this. How about...Demi Lovato - Catch Me.

6.  What is your favorite professional sports team, and why do you like them?
I'm not really diehard fan for anyone, but of course I cheer the SD Chargers and SD Padres.  I have a soft spot for the Anaheim Angels (and no, MLB, I refuse to call them their current league name, fuckyouverymuch).  I can tell you I definitely do not support the Yankees (sorry Sarah, it will never change), the Dodgers or the SF Giants; nor the Oakland Raiders (BOO I HATE YOU FOREVER RAIDER NATION), Dallas Cowboys, Pittsburgh Steelers, or SF 49ers.  And even though I hate basketball, I will never, ever, ever support the Lakers.

7.  What is your favorite reality show and why do you like it?
So You Think You Can Dance.  Because it's dancing, and storytelling, and amazing choreographers who I would love to work with (even though I don't dance anymore...details, details), and normal people, and sometimes even people I know and am friends with.

8. How would you classify your home decorating style (modern, classic, french country)?
Deeefinitely classic.  Victorian or French, mostly...a bit of Tudor style (but I don't like patterns, so...that's limiting), and for sure Georgian architectural elements.  Yeah, pretty much let me live in an Austen or Alcott novel, and I'll be good.

9. Pizza- deep dish or thin crust? White sauce or red sauce? What toppings?
Thin crust, red sauce, fresh round mozzarella, some basil and a bit of olive oil...best. ever.  But if I have to stop being a pompous a-hole about pizza (it will never happen), I can settle for a regular crust, red sauce, cheese with bacon and onion pizza.

10.  Favorite weekend getaway within a two hour driving radius?
I guess it depends on my mood, but I'd have to say Laguna Beach/Corona del Mar or Los Angeles.  One's relaxing, the other is entertaining.

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Let's consider this a mini-post

I thought about posting other things for today, but have since decided my writing is not up to par currently--so all I say is that I hope you all had amazing weekends and wonderful days celebrating Mothers! Mine was lovely.

On a completely unrelated note: every night I listen to music as I go to bed, randomized by my iPod.  John Mayer's "I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)" came on last night and it was just...you know when a song speaks to you?  Cheesy as that may be, I couldn't help but feel like this song is so right for a part of my life.  Take that as you will, and go ahead and ridicule my love for John Mayer music all you like--I know that this is the right song for what happened.

No I'm not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
I will break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love
Who do you love?
Me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?

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Who knew doing stuff took such an effort? (And Fill-in-the-Blank Friday!)

This has been a ridiculously busy week.  I don't really know how that happened when I a) don't have a job, and b) am flaky as fuck and never respond to my friends when they graciously ask me to do stuff.  What's this, I have to make an effort to be social?  Well shit...

Seriously though, for the first time in perhaps 7 months, I was responsive to people and had things to do.  Which could be why I was perpetually exhausted this week.  I don't know your guys' sleeping habits, but I never sleep past 7 hours.  Never.  I don't know why, but my body will wake me up at the 7 hour mark on the dot.  This is on the assumption I can get 7 hours of sleep anyway, most of the time it averages 5 hours or so. I have issues sleeping past 10:30--problematic when you're a ridiculous night owl.

Toothless!

Anyway.  Notable things Ashley did this week:

• Attended Brother's Girlfriend's Asian American Club Graduation Ceremony (meaning the Asian American club had a special grad ceremony for all their graduating members--which includes bro's gf).  I felt very old, despite being the youngest.  Also? I was not prepared to be around that many Asian people again. If I wanted that, I'd return to my alma mater.
• Got a hair cut.  Seems insignificant, but  it went from my waist to 2 inches past my shoulders.  It's like an entire lifestyle change, dudes.  So many movements I used to do (ie, leaning to the right when I got in my car so I wouldn't catch my hair in the door, dipping my head forward when I sit so I wouldn't sit on my hair, etc) are unnecessary now, and I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again.  But bright side, a small fortune may be saved on shampoo/condition expenses!
• Went to 5 different libraries in 2 days. I don't know what is wrong with me.
• Saw "How To Train Your Dragon" (thanks to Sarah for the late birthday present!), and holy bejeezus it was soooooo cute!  I mean, it was a really good movie anyway, but the dragons and even the Viking people (namely Hiccup) were so freakin' CUTE!  And I want a Toothless!  Seriously, if you haven't seen it, please stop reading this (well...) and scoot your cutie booty over to the nearest theatre pronto.
• Worked out three days.  Trust me when I say that does not happen.  Ever.  I don't think I pushed myself hard enough, but it's a gradual thing to even get into exercising at all.  Baby steps, but...steps.  I have also learned after 30 minutes of Zumba that there are some ways my hips just cannot move.  I thought they could, I always figured they could be taught, they could learn, and sometimes there's even a glimpse of hope...but my hips have, in fact, lied.

Not mentioned are the errands, multiple trips to Panera, and household cleaning done this week as well.  This weekend gets to be packed, what with an annual craft fair my mom and I go to being in town and then Mother's Day on Sunday.  All of my mom's immediate family will be going to a Mother's Day brunch at a fancy schmancy restaurant in Coronado (one of my favourite places in the world!), which should be...interesting.  I look forward to spending time with my family, at least.

Before I end with this week's Fill-in-the-Blank Friday, I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!  And a very happy Mother's Day to all mom's, or to all my reader's moms.

1. My favourite book growing up was "Little Women" by Louisa May Alcott.  It's cheesy, it's classic, it's every little literature girl's love.  But I'm such a Josephine March, the book is engraved into my soul.

2. The funniest book I ever read is "I Am America: And So Can You!" by Stephen Colbert.  Does that count as a book?  If not, of course I laugh at David Sedaris books, and I quite enjoy Jen Lancaster.  The most recent book I laughed at was "The Book of Joe"--Jonathon Tropper is amazing.

3. The one book that has truly changed my life is "Franny and Zooey" by JD Salinger. "I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."

4. If you're looking for a real "tear jerker" you should probably read "A Walk To Remember" by Nicholas Sparks.  I know, I know, it's dumb and we've all seen the movie and I have made it quite clear how much his writing annoys me. But I couldn't help but bawl while I was reading this.  And maybe it was just me, but I may have lost my shit shed a few tears while reading "The Time Traveler's Wife."  It's one of my favourites now, but...whoo. It just cut me deep, man.

5. If I could meet any author living or dead I would want to meet William Shakespeare or Jane Austen.

6. The next books on my "to read" list are "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies", "The Historian", "Love in the Time of Cholera", "Signora da Vinci", "Emma", "The Feast of Love", and "The Ruby in the Smoke".  Those are the ones sitting on my nightstand, anyway--all from the library.

7. If I was snowed into a remote cabin in the woods and could only choose three books to bring with me, I'd bring "Pride and Prejudice", "Franny and Zooey", and the His Dark Materials series (I know that kind of cheats, but that's just the way I roll).

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Tales from the Toyota Dealership

My car is in dire need of a tune-up, so I have found myself at the local dealership this early morning.  I say "early," but my appointment was at 9:30am, which really isn't that early in the grand scheme of the working world.  It is, however, early to me--most especially when I was awake until close to 4am having Dr. Mario/Tetris tournaments on the Super Nintendo against my brother (that's real, kids).

Sitting in the waiting lounge of a Toyota dealership is really strange; it's like the amalgamation of middle America.  There are so many people of varying life, it's endlessly entertaining.  And for that, I am garnering several stares since I keep looking around and watching everyone.

For instance, I am one of two people who have brought a book to read (I have 3 and a magazine, if we want to be honest about it, but that's a whole other issue).  All the others are staring around and just watching everyone else, only to surreptitiously glance away when eyes accidentally trip over one another.  Why didn't anyone else realize that they would have an hour and a half of free time?  Why didn't they take the complimentary shuttle service to somewhere else where they would be entertained?  And most importantly, why don't you grab one of the 18 available magazines provided on the tables for us?

Then, there's one guy pacing around the room.  He's just...walking.  Around and around and around.  On occasion, he slips outside and walks around the front dealership lot, but then he makes his way back to the service area and keeps on walking, cup of hazelnut coffee steaming away in his hands.  Most importantly, though, is that he is a dead doppelganger for Will Ferrell, and that is highly distracting.  In an awkwardly funny way, since I just want him to burst out in a cheerleader uniform with a small Cheri Oteri next to him.

Then there is a cheery older woman here, smiling at everyone with the cutest high ponytail.  She's very chirpy, and I find that I really like it.  Most noticeable is the man sitting ramrod straight in a chair, in a complete pin-striped 3-piece suit.  It is pressed and crisp and he has a sleek briefcase sitting delicately in his lap.  He is clean-shaven, and even though I'm too far away to tell, I am betting you he is wearing the nicest cologne.  There is also the inevitable woman on her cell phone, speaking as though she is the only other person in the room.  In case you're wondering, her granddaughter did really well on her science test--maybe one day she'll even be a doctor!  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Of course, she did excellent her spelling test, too, so she may have a future in teaching or English.  She's just so smart.

I was quite caught up in one couple that was sitting on the couch across from me.  Actually, the husband was sitting on the couch; the wife was sitting in one of the armchairs against the wall to my right (his left).  I thought it was odd they weren't sitting next to each other, and the woman was visibly angry.  Complete with the furrowed brow, the deep frown, the angry eyes.  Her husband had an entire folder filled with Toyota price sheets that you get every time you come in for a tune-up, so I had to wonder if she was irritated with the price.  He was definitely comparing all of the sheets, going through and cross referencing.  He said something to her, in which she simply grunted in reply (let me tell you, there is something incredibly strange about watching a woman grunt at a man.) and didn't say anything back.  It got to the point where she was so curt with him that I was convinced they were having marital problems.  Someone that hostile with the person she supposedly loves most in the world has to be having some pretty severe problems.

And then another man in a suit walked by me--this one, however, had his coat unbuttoned, there were wrinkles on the back like it had spent the night tossed over a chair, and, to be honest, the suit was about two sizes too big.  The man was scruffy, and his computer bag was beat up and well-loved and definitely something I had seen at a Staples 7 years ago.  I saw Crisp Suit Man (CSM) flag Wrinkled Suit Man (WSM) over, in which they introduced themselves.  Suddenly, a woman in all black with a Toyota pin comes striding up to Husband and Disgruntled Wife and says, "We are ready, shall we go upstairs to the offices?"  They stood up and shook hands with CWM and WSM--who are, as I've overhead, from a law office.  Suddenly all those back files of Toyota papers and money comments have turned into something extremely different...

No wonder the wife is disgruntled.  That's a lawsuit right there.

Yep, I have definitely just written 8 paragraphs about people in a Toyota dealership.  If you read all that, hooray!  If not, I do not blame you.  And theoretically you wouldn't be reading this, so...blahbitybooonyou!

I think I'm done commenting.  I'm going to get back to reading What the Dog Saw (who else loves them some Malcolm Gladwell?).  And for the record, Will Ferrell Doppelganger took the shuttle; chirpy woman is looking distinctly less chirpy and a lot more bored; the granddaughter is also much smarter than her grandson but he is doing well with math so maybe he'll be a future accountant!; the other book woman has since switched to a magazine; and everyone is still really, really bored.

I sincerely hope you all have had better mornings!

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A few thoughts to round out the weekend.

- Today was very peaceful.  The Carlsbad Village Street Faire (which is apparently the largest single-day vendor fair in the nation) was going on, in which myself and one of my best friends decided to drive out to.  Seriously, it is MASSIVE.  You see how long the fair goes, and you think, "Wow, that is long"...and then you realize there are offshoot streets from it every block.  And then you realize there are offshoot streets from the offshoot streets, all of which have vendors.  It was crowded and a bit hectic, but it was still very...nice.  There's really no other word for it.  Beautiful weather, entertaining people, interesting surroundings...it was just nice.

-  A Ritz cracker package took me so long to open just now that my train of thought was absolutely lost, and whatever was planned for the second bullet point is gone with the wind. Darn.

- Outings have successfully been had the entire week despite the hive.  It is a distinct accomplishment that walking outside has happened.

-Dilemma. My twitter is locked so who sees my tweets can be controlled by me.  Acceptance is given to anyone who requests it, but it is nice to know who exactly can see them all--and, if need be, take that option away.  Reason being my exact location is sometimes tweeted.  This blog does not expressly display the name of my suburb--it simply says San Diego, and on occasion my general area is referenced.  But my choice to not employ the same "security" on Twitter is because tweet conversations with real life friends reference places around my home.  Simply stated, Twitter is personal; my blog is public.  The problem is that several jobs hiring in my field request access to applicant's Twitter accounts since they involve Social Media--meaning mine will have to go public.  Something artfully avoided since my entrance into the Twitter World in 2008.  Before it is suggested, two Twitter accounts will not happen; it is a hard enough time managing two forays into the social media world, there is zero chance success will be had managing multiple accounts. The obvious solution would be to stop tweeting exact locations, but it's unfair that my responses to friends will have to be restricted. So many facets of my life are protected, it would be nice to keep one open.

-  Watching Kobe Bryant in press conferences keeps increasing my dislike of him.  His expression and attitude are completely irksome.

- A "secret experiment" is being done this entire week by me. But really it's more of a "secret challenge" just to see if it can be done...and it is fudging hard.  Said experiment/challenge is taking place here on the blog and on my Twitter (how many times can "Twitter" be said in one blog post?!*); the latter having been started Friday early morning, and the former having started with this post!  This is a very strange bullet mark, as none of you really have no idea what is being spoken of, but that's ok...more fun for me!

- Utterly exhausted after 4 hours of sleep last night and the events of today.  Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend!

*Apparently "Twitter" can be said 8 times.  Well, 9.

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