Pity party for one?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I've been really overwhelmed lately.  Which is weird, since my life doesn't appear that crazy, but I feel like I'm running a circle I was never meant to be in.  My head is getting the better of me and the only thing my heart can do is race.

I need a job.  I say it often, so much that it's hardly got any meaning now, but it remains the same. I'm a little bit terrified of re-entering the working world, maybe even doing the 40 hr workweek--but I know it's unavoidable, and it's not horrible.  I actually want it.  Now if only I could find someone who wants me, too.

I'm low on funds. Which is obvious, but I have bills to pay; most notably my school loans.  I was surprisingly sensible and aware when I lost my job last year, putting most of my last paycheck into my savings account.  And thankfully my parents have drilled money sense into me so I was already setting aside 40% of my income when I could.  But I have exactly two months left to sustain, and that's on the assumption nothing major comes up (fingers crossed) and that I don't go out with friends more than twice a month.  Shit's gonna get real, real fast.

I haven't written anything in months. I don't know if NaNoWriMo sapped me, or if it's the fact that my emotions decided they wanted to leave me numb, but there's been almost no creative outlet, and I feel like I'm about to snap.  Dynamite with a fuse and fire's a lifetime away.

I'm not even going to get into why this has been prevalent in my life, but it keeps coming back to me how lonely I am. And unfortunately, I do mean that in the romantic sense.  Usually, I'm fine being single. I don't hate it, I'm not bitter about it, and I don't think I'm any lesser.  I've been this way all my life, and generally, it suits me. I know that when the time comes for me to meet someone who can be that person for me, it will happen; and I have complete faith in that.  But there's been a lot of times recently where I wish I could go to someone for a hug and it would be given, no questions asked.  Whose hand I can hold as I walk down a street, for the simple act of being able to.  Who would hold me and let me have the freak out that's brewing, and go with me to the beach because I want to, and listen to me.  Who would talk to me, and give me a part of who he is and let me see him. I simply feel like I'm missing something important, and it makes me...sad.

My blog is stressing me out. I need to redesign it because there are elements I feel need to be there and some that I want there, but I haven't had the time. I'm still undecided on the new blog name, even though two weeks ago I was so sure, and now I'm doubting everything. I'm behind on "accepting" another award and I always feel so pathetic when I can't even promptly and properly thank the person giving it to me. I hate feeling guilty about being so behind on blog reading (current Reader unread count: 369), and even though I know we all know this isn't a job, I have no obligation to it...I just feel bad.  I want to give everyone the time they deserve, and I hate that I feel like I can't.

I feel like I'm being a bad friend because I haven't talked to so many of them recently.  Some get short updates, and one even got me to visit her new apartment, but I'm mostly keeping myself away.  And I don't intend it to be an offense against them, I don't mean it to be mean...I'm just feeling so fragile lately that I don't trust how I will be with them.  It's selfish (which only makes me feel worse), but I feel like it's best for now.  And unfortunately, I'm getting overwhelmed at the idea of having to reintegrate my life with them, because I can't explain my absence.

I wish I could be one of those people that say writing it all out helped and now I feel like a bit of the weight has gone away, but...it really hasn't.  I still feel like crying every moment for a whole mess of reasons, and I still feel like I have a huge boulder on my chest.  And I wish I could figure it all out.

2 comments:

Stephany July 14, 2010 at 12:34 PM  

I love how honest you were in this post. Sometimes, it just helps to get it all out there and pinpoint which areas of your life you feel the most stressed out about.

I get the lonely-single feeling, too, sometimes because I'm afraid I'll never find someone. I've been single most of my life and I'm perfectly fine with it...but there are times when it gets too much for me.

Margaret July 14, 2010 at 3:56 PM  

Sometimes, life is just EXHAUSTING and you have to hop off of the horse.

The part they don't tell you? What a bitch it is to get back on.

But Oh! when you do!

Good luck!

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I'm fairly obsessed with penguins, Peanuts (the comic), and the TV show Friends. Parentheses may or may not be (over)used in this blog, and books will pretty much be the only thing I ever talk about because they are my One True Love.

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