Pity party for one?

I've been really overwhelmed lately.  Which is weird, since my life doesn't appear that crazy, but I feel like I'm running a circle I was never meant to be in.  My head is getting the better of me and the only thing my heart can do is race.

I need a job.  I say it often, so much that it's hardly got any meaning now, but it remains the same. I'm a little bit terrified of re-entering the working world, maybe even doing the 40 hr workweek--but I know it's unavoidable, and it's not horrible.  I actually want it.  Now if only I could find someone who wants me, too.

I'm low on funds. Which is obvious, but I have bills to pay; most notably my school loans.  I was surprisingly sensible and aware when I lost my job last year, putting most of my last paycheck into my savings account.  And thankfully my parents have drilled money sense into me so I was already setting aside 40% of my income when I could.  But I have exactly two months left to sustain, and that's on the assumption nothing major comes up (fingers crossed) and that I don't go out with friends more than twice a month.  Shit's gonna get real, real fast.

I haven't written anything in months. I don't know if NaNoWriMo sapped me, or if it's the fact that my emotions decided they wanted to leave me numb, but there's been almost no creative outlet, and I feel like I'm about to snap.  Dynamite with a fuse and fire's a lifetime away.

I'm not even going to get into why this has been prevalent in my life, but it keeps coming back to me how lonely I am. And unfortunately, I do mean that in the romantic sense.  Usually, I'm fine being single. I don't hate it, I'm not bitter about it, and I don't think I'm any lesser.  I've been this way all my life, and generally, it suits me. I know that when the time comes for me to meet someone who can be that person for me, it will happen; and I have complete faith in that.  But there's been a lot of times recently where I wish I could go to someone for a hug and it would be given, no questions asked.  Whose hand I can hold as I walk down a street, for the simple act of being able to.  Who would hold me and let me have the freak out that's brewing, and go with me to the beach because I want to, and listen to me.  Who would talk to me, and give me a part of who he is and let me see him. I simply feel like I'm missing something important, and it makes me...sad.

My blog is stressing me out. I need to redesign it because there are elements I feel need to be there and some that I want there, but I haven't had the time. I'm still undecided on the new blog name, even though two weeks ago I was so sure, and now I'm doubting everything. I'm behind on "accepting" another award and I always feel so pathetic when I can't even promptly and properly thank the person giving it to me. I hate feeling guilty about being so behind on blog reading (current Reader unread count: 369), and even though I know we all know this isn't a job, I have no obligation to it...I just feel bad.  I want to give everyone the time they deserve, and I hate that I feel like I can't.

I feel like I'm being a bad friend because I haven't talked to so many of them recently.  Some get short updates, and one even got me to visit her new apartment, but I'm mostly keeping myself away.  And I don't intend it to be an offense against them, I don't mean it to be mean...I'm just feeling so fragile lately that I don't trust how I will be with them.  It's selfish (which only makes me feel worse), but I feel like it's best for now.  And unfortunately, I'm getting overwhelmed at the idea of having to reintegrate my life with them, because I can't explain my absence.

I wish I could be one of those people that say writing it all out helped and now I feel like a bit of the weight has gone away, but...it really hasn't.  I still feel like crying every moment for a whole mess of reasons, and I still feel like I have a huge boulder on my chest.  And I wish I could figure it all out.